I’ve been mostly out of it today. I stayed up late last night, played with tanuki, Wolfe’s little girl for almost 3 hours last night, blindfolded on the bed. She was a lot of fun. I think I caned, spanked, paddled and hand fucked a good couple of dozen orgasms out of her. Multi-orgasmic pain sluts are fun!

I could have played longer really. But I got tired and wasn’t worked up enough, not that she isn’t absolutey hot, fun, sexy, etc. It’s just that past a certain point, I like the person on the recieving end to have that I love you, I adore you, I want to make-out with you, please you, you you you, thing going on. We don’t have that, and that’s cool, I love her to bitsies as it is. I get a wee bit envious of Wolfe getting all that yummy attention, since I don’t have a subbie lover of my own right now to get that rush off of. We’d happily share her at that level it’s just that she’s just a) not into girls as much, and probably b) mostly has all eyes for her beloved Daddy (Wolfe). I mean we do share her, just not at that level. I’m happy where it is. It does remind me of missing my boy. I get little pangs now and then. See, masochistic, fetishistic, etc people will often look at you in that intense subby, way, but what it’s about is not you, but what you are doing. It’s not fixated around you as person. tanuki is very much fixated around Wolfe. She gets off just fine with me, because I’m a damned good top, and I know how to fuck girls well to boot, and she likes me, but any ‘wow’ in her eyes is mostly around what I’m doing, and the role I’m playing, and not me as a person. It takes the ‘knowing’ that it’s me as a person as well as what I’m doing to take it to that next level… I don’t get tired then I’d have been up all night.

I often wonder with the boy, how much of his adoring looks were about me, or about what I was doing. My mommying and dommying role. It’s unclear really, I don’t know if I’ll ever know, and that uncertainty in itself says something. I think it was definitely a lot about what I was doing and being a certain ‘type’ of person that he was into at the beginning, I don’t know how much of it became about me, or really loving me as a person within that. I had hoped it would grow into something very full about loving one another. Inside and outside of that role. In other words, I simply wanted more. I usually do. I’m greedy.

Bella is still being the most adorable wonderful puppy in the world.

I’m too lazy to go and see what pics I’ve posted of her already to make sure that I don’t post a repeat pic of her in here tonight, so no pic.

Trying to decide if I’m going to go to the Bio play party tommorow night, and either co-top Wolfe’s girl, or hook up with CBT boy, or someone else. Part of me wants to go, part of me wants to stay home with the puppy and watch big brother house, mad TV and SNL - It’s official, I’ve become a TV addict. What’s more satisfying…. hmmmmm. Again if I was still with my boy, it would be a no-brainer. I’d want to go, show him off, and get him off in public and have fun fun fun. I did manage to get him only to one party, his first, and he wasn’t ready to play, as most people often aren’t, just so much to take in, then he was out of town for work, then he made plans for pretty much every consecutive weekend. Hmmm… I know, I should have gotten the picture on where his priorties were a lot sooner. And do I really want to date a guy who would prefer to go to a co-workers wedding with another co-worker than spend the weekend with me, and go to a bdsm play party?… The answer is no, probably, not really. Well girls and guys, keep out your eyes for those girls and guys, pretty boys and girls that love you as they’re laying you, or having a good time, but when you need them, ie, in hospital, etc, they magically are unpresent, busy, absent, somehow. They usually have great excuses, lots of reassurances, etc. The important message I got years ago, that I usually don’t often remind myself often enough, always always always, actions speak louder than words, and always pay as much, if not more attention to what people DO than what they SAY. Bitter? not really. I honestly think he is the one that got screwed over. I loved him, still love him, had a great time with him, will miss him. He’s the one that was insincere, has to deal with the lapses in his own personality and behavior, and well, passed up on a damn good opportunity. Perhaps I was just a conquest, and he’s happy that he’s had what he’s had, and wants to back to a life of more traditional values and behaviors. Those yummy family values, cheating doesn’t count if they don’t know! And people think I’m warped because I’m non-monogamous… yeah, and the monogamous people are monogamous… not usually, usually they’re just maintaining a happy delusion.

Actually, I say this stuff, and I know how it comes across to readers, people WILL think I’m more bitter than I am, more upset, etc, why else would I write so much about it? Or more strongly opinionated about a subject than I am. A couple of reasons this happens, first off, I write a lot about breaking off with the boy because other than the puppy, there isn’t a whole lot new in my life to write about. The other reason people often think I’m more intense over all, especially with a negative emotion, than I actually am, is something I learned long ago. I’m VERY expressive, I’ve spoken the very depth of my feelings here, nothing held back. Most people -don’t- do that, they hold at least something back, and they assume I do it too. They assume that since when they express, anger, fear, sadness, bitterness, etc, there is a lot left personal, unsaid, and so they often assume that I have a buried deeper layer of feeling than I do. Some people what you see of their feelings is the ‘tip of an iceberg’ so to speak, with me you usually get the whole banana, especially here in the journal, In real life depending on the situation, and the person, I do have some boundaries, and may choose not to share as much. After all, this is my journal, this is where I work a lot of my shit out. Then, I’m also kind of hyper-literate (when I used to talk miles a minute as a kid my brothers teased me that I had verbal diarrhea, I still to this day have to work not to interupt or talk over people when I get passionate) okay, so I’m very hyper literate, so not only am I journalling all of my feelings here, I’m doing it in a very hyper literate way. So people assume that there is a) more stuff that I’m holding back and b) I’m more intensely effected emotionally by things than I am. Not that it’s not partly accurate, I am a passionate person, and some times that moves into the realm I like to call ‘dramatized’ instead of traumatized, with events. So there you have it.

Blah blah blah, Other high lights of my day… Both south park and the simpsons were episodes I haven’t seen before, as Homer would say ‘woo-hoo!’ as I said, I’ve become (pathetically) addicted to television, popular televison Oh how far from my days as a TV-less starving student and artist who shunned mainstream media and spent evenings studying, partying with other starving and less starving students, going to gallery openings, plays etc. I remember being on the bus with some friends from University and the conversation turned to the TV show Married with Children, which ‘everyone’ seemed to know what it was, if they weren’t watching it, I had no idea what anyone was talking about. They stared at me as if I was Amish, or in Purdah or something, and proceeded to quiz me with name after name of recent hit shows to see if I had heard of them. I failed the pop-culture test miserably. Now I could probably score 100%, it’s pretty sad when I can go through many of summers days flipping channels going damn, I’ve seen all these programs, some of them twice, because it’s repeats…

I try not to think of all the studies that show the correlations of depression and TV watching, ie, in general the more depressed someone is is positively correlated with how much TV they watch, it’s not necessarily that one -causes- the other, though there is speculations, but just that there is a correlation. It could be a third factor, ie, say getting excersize and fresh air, which has been shown to help lift depression is inhibited when TV watching is in play. But it’s all a vicious circle, when you’re depressed, getting off the couch is sometimes the mental equivelant of being an olympic athelete, so television (if you can reach the control, or whine someone into handing it to you) is a natural outcome, if your couch, like mine and most peoples, tends to face the television. Then, you want to watch TV, so you don’t go out, and well… okay, I’m tired, I do have depression, I’ve been sitting here writing for too long, and that can only mean one thing, Letterman’s on… I have to go.

XO
Leila

This entry was posted on Friday, September 3rd, 2004 at 8:53 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.