Well, posed in my new wig, (big tacky red do) and my new camy and boy shorts. Here’s some pics, they are more porny than arty pics, my work ranges from very arty to very porny, and these are very porny corny in my opinion. I had fun doing them though. You can see my bottom half is disproportionally larger than my top half, that’s why two of our new sites are http://www.namiolive.com and http://www.buriedinbutt.com and not something to do with generous bodacious ta-tas. I feel like I look exactly like what I am in a very stereotypical way in these pics, a bbw 35 year old porn model. The funny thing is, I usually don’t portray that, people usually assume I’m a lot younger for one, and I usually look more alternative, and a lot less…. hmmmm… oh just look at the pics, you’ll see what I mean.

So that was what I was up to for part of the night, that and masturbating like a horny freak while Wolfe was out kickboxing, don’t know what came over me, but it only lasted 5 minutes, and neither the bagged extra large carrot or the shoe chair, the only two sexual aids I used, seemed any less the worse for wear.

That’s my life.

Oh, and my darling sissy baby jOni called me, and we had a long long talk on the telephone, am so looking forward when she comes back into town and we can get together for a meal, a long chat, and some play time. I am looking forward to mommying again, I think it will be healing, even though my relationship with jOni is very different than it was with my baby boy. I think I feel bonded with jOni on a very deep level, with a lot of mutual respect and love, though I don’t have sexually intimate feelings towards her. The boy I had a lot of sexual feelings for, a lot of lust, and definitely love and mommying, but there was also less security. jOni is very good at making one feel loved and appreciated, I always come away feeling happier and more secure when we spend time together.

One of the things we chatted about was water sports, she asked around whether I thought of doing a site around that, and the answer is no, not because I don’t love the golden scene, I do, but because we have too many sites going already, and also, getting variety and location with golden scenes can be a challenge, particularly in a little place like ours. Especially since I’m not in good enough shape to straddle the tub in a squat that can last up to 15 minutes, kick boxing was good for that, I don’t have the leg strength any more. yes 15 minutes, my bladder can hold up to 3-4 litres, and I can make a shower scene last a long time, I have good aim, and I like leaving a layer of piss in the bottom of the tub that’s substantial, besides if someone is drinking my urine because I’m pissing in their mouth, etc, then it’s more dilute, and healthier. So long story shorter, jOni and I are going to hunt for a pee pee pool, a not too child-like wading pool to use for wet scenes, I want to use it for both the Dark Nursery site, and my bdsm sites for water sport related photo shoots (I may not do a site, but I may do relevant golden content for age play and for bdsm). Yay for the pee pee pool.

Little bella puppy is sweet as usual, and every day is a new discovery for her little puppy self, which means usually a new discovery of cuteness for us as puppy parents.

I feel really good, maybe splitting with the boy was the best thing after all, I never did feel entirely secure with him. I don’t think he was consciously ‘playing’ me, I just honestly think he’s not entirely sure what he wants, or wants a number of conflicting things, and is not completely sure in himself and where he’s going in his life. But I can’t speak for other people, that’s my feel on it, and not the truth of it, only he knows that. What I can say with certainty, is that I remarkably good, even… happy, not about parting ways, but just in general… hmmm, maybe my meds are working somewhat. Still not your normal level of ‘functioning’ the depression still keeps me glued to the couch, bed and computer a lot, and prevents me from leaving the apartment a lot. I try not to think about the ‘what if it doesn’t get any better’ question, and just try to enjoy what I have. I honestly would like to get back to regular work, get out of disability status, and feel fully recovered from this illness. I think a lot of people assume that with mood disorders people are ‘choosing’ their mood, or have control over it. I don’t, trust me, I don’t take my medications, I get so low, so confused, and so out of it, desperate, sad, and no impulse control, that I get suicidal. It’s very biological, I take my medication, and I function better, but not like it was before I was depressed. For instance, I still struggle with occasional insomnia, nightmares, yet if I take enough of the medication prescribed for me to help me sleep, then I’m more out of it the next day, a lower dose doesn’t help the sleep problem, a high enough dose to help the sleep problem leaves me feeling even more ‘down’ the next day, apathetic and lethargic. That’s just the night part, the day to day stuff has it’s own challenges as well. There have been stressors, for instance, the BC govt. forgave my BC student loan when I became ‘permanently’ disabled, but the Canadian student loan is still active, and part of it has gone to collections, because we had to declare bankruptcy a while back, directly because of my depression. So now they want money from us, money we don’t have. They don’t make it easy, the paperwork and hoops to jump through to get it ‘postponed’ by proving our inability to pay and my disability is ridiculous. The cost of education is already to high. I think ironically enough, my depression is a direct result of being someone who was for several years forced to borrow enormous sums of money, work one or two jobs, in order to go to school full time. Years and years of over work, under sleep, and financial worry, growing dept, I graduate, and not too far afterwords, break down into a deep depressive state. From the past stress, and then the current realization that I will be working for many years to pay off a debt for my education. I would have made a better living over 20 years as a waitress, than in my field as a therapist, even though making a much higher wage, having to pay a huge debt back. If things don’t change, education will be only for the rich, and the shortage they have of professionals here in Canada will increase.

Believe me, I know many people who have gone south to work in the US because with a higher education, like me with my masters, can make a lot more money than here. But I love this part of the world, I love BC, and the city of Vancouver. Besides, right now I don’t feel comfortable even travelling in the US, due to personal political and ethical beliefs, which I won’t go into right now… enough of that, I’ll stop this long entry before I’m tempted to go into that huge mess.

XO
Leila