Well, It’s been an interesting week. I still haven’t heard a word out of my baby boy, which is leading me to feel pretty low on the priority list. When he said he needed time to think about things, I didn’t realize he would be totally non-communicato. I would love to have some indication of what is going on in his head and his life. Even if it’s that he wants to not have any involvement, or still needs time to think, or what have you. Right now it’s feeling just a little too ‘high school’ if you know what I mean. Can’t grownups, especially ones who have shared some pretty intense moments communicate in a somewhat reasonable fashion, I guess maybe we can’t, I probably said my share of things that could have been worded better in the course of the last few conversations we did have. Regardless, I feel shut out in a totally passive-aggressive way. So I’m beginning to feel like it’s more than just the start of the end, I am the type (unfortunately) to sit by the phone and wait and wonder, but I can only do that for so long before I drive myself even more insane. The other beginning in my life is a beautiful one, that thing I told you I couldn’t tell you about? Well I can now, Wolfe just wanted to wait till she was here and a part of our home before word got out and about, we have a new addition to the family, baby Bella, who is an 8 week old boston terrier pug cross, black with a little white star on her chest. She’s adorable, instead of half and half like Iggy, her mother was half pug have boston, and her father pure pug, so she’s a little more puggly, which is fine.

She’s teeny tiny, just an ounce over 3 pounds, about the size of Iggy’s head right now I’d wager. She’s very sweet. We had a long agonizing decision of whether to try to have two dogs again. We made serious errors in choosing a second dog last time, everything we could have done wrong we did do wrong. We realized how bad we flubbed it up, and we found an excellent home for the second dog. We had worked with our trainer at the time, but had made bad choices right from the start, bringing home a second puppy while Iggy was still too young, bringing in another male dog, bringing in a dog that was obviously more dominant, and then doing the wrong things once the second dog was in the home. Well, now that we hopefully know what we’re doing, we have little Bella, and we’re keeping our fingers and hearts crossed hoping her and Iggy will be our family for the rest of their days, and the best of companions for one another.

I’ve been getting closer to Wolfe’s girl, tanuki, and that has been a lot of fun, but a bit unusual too. She’s very intimate in terms of comfortable with cuddling and closeness, and when it comes to sex, no problems too, we’ve both had our hands caught quite happily in each others pie as it were, to use an entirely groaning metaphor, but she’s not comfortable with ‘making out’, and I’m big on kissing, which is a very intimate act, so I can understand her boundaries, but it feels awkward to me, I usually explore the oral stage before I get to the genital stage, so sometimes I feel like I’m redirecting my instinticual mating patterns. I also have to catch myself not trying to ‘take control’ she’s subby, but she’s Wolfe’s subby, and well, subbies bring out the Domme in me… have to keep that in check, don’t want to step over any boundaries there either. But! there really hasn’t been any issues, just tiny things, really as far as a poly triad goes, with the three of us now, it feels very loving, very comfortable, and non-threatening. I do sometimes get sad, because at the beginning of Wolfe and tanuki’s involvement, the boy was involved with me, and I was hoping to have more of a family feel in a quad kind of way. So when the two of them are sharing more of their own one on one time, it brings more awareness to my own lack of connection with my age play lover, who has gone? is on hiatus? pouting? sowing wild oats? all of the above? who the heck knows, not me. I’m not going to go out looking for anything new, I didn’t get involved with my baby boy that way, and even though a part of me wants to fill the hole. In part quite literally, because getting involved with an entirely new person body wise is particularly fun as well as all the emotional and intellectual stuff, I miss the physical too. I don’t want to be out on the rebound, I don’t even know if I am on the rebound? have I been dumped? (again feeling that’s a weird high school kind of goings on) does he think I’ve dumped him? Does he give a rats ass? Again, no communication coming in to me, so I really have NO idea. Really, not waiting by the phone (pathetic Dommy Mommy I am) okay, so anyone has read my journal in the past knows that I fall in love, hard, and intensely, and realistically, I’m not the easiest person to be involved with. People who think they want to be involved with a married, polyamorous, bisexual, kinky, fetish, porn making, babe with depression, sometimes, after a little while, they think… hmmmm, maybe not so much. Hey Mom, meet the girl of my dreams, middle aged, married nut case kinkoid . So, finding poly partner that are into any thing serious, which is my preference over ‘casual’ is hard to do. Casual is fine, as long as there is enough respect, communication, and no risk of unsafe sex happening.

However, even when not looking for anything new… Due to the line of ‘work’ I’m in, in terms of website production of fetish photography, I do get approached.. a lot. Literally loads of mail daily, occasionally in public, and there are no shortage of subs willing to sacrifice themselves on the altar of my depravity and emotional instability. I am tempted to contact some of the people that have taken the time to write me and feel them out. The boy brought out a part of me that made me realize there is something I want in my life right now, unfortunately, what I want is him, but it’s not a choice I get to make on my own. I’m not sure I want to check out possible ’substitutes’ Love just happens for me, though after it happens, I try to work hard on the maintenance part. Maybe I’m just too old to waste time sowing my own ‘wild oats’, though I know a lot of people older than I doing just that, I guess, it’s just never been that satisfying to me. What I want in friends and lovers is always the same, it’s a high standard, but a simple one, that they know me, I know them, there aren’t hurtful secrets or lies between us, ever, that there is honesty, love, respect, and integrity. Which means if they feel the love has ended or the friendship has, or that one or both of us would be better seperate than together, or the nature of our relationship together needs to change, that they communicate that. Doesn’t seem like a high standard, you’d be surprised, unfortunately a lot of people I know have a hard time keeping that standard to themselves, never mind to another person. Keeping ‘true’ is a challenge, but I don’t want anything less, I’d rather be alone. I’ve found I’m more lonely in a relationship based on lies, than alone with myself and the truth. That’s why I’m hoping I can connect with the boy and find out what the truth is from his perspective, before I decide to stop waiting, and get to the ‘fuck it’ stage. Which is an intellectual state for me, because I have one of those hearts that never stops loving, even when my head has told me, you cannot see this person again. The love, that always goes on, for those that have been lost, through death, through choices, through abuse, or what have you. I might have to stay away physically from those I love at times in my life, and sometimes permanently, but they never leave my heart, and never fully my thoughts, I still have dreams of childhood loves at night, as well as recent loves lost. Life goes on. Without pain, where can there not be pleasure… I think as a depressive person, I feel loss greatly, and deeply, but I also know, that my capacity to love, is phenomenal as well. Sometimes I feel as if I love everything and everyone, or that I would like to. Just as I become overwhelmed with the world with the sensations and ideations of depression, I also become overwhelmed at times with sheer love and adoration for the world, people in it, people I don’t know, and especially those I do.

all my love.
Leila

This entry was posted on Friday, August 27th, 2004 at 2:32 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.