Well, my feelings have been all over the place with the hiatus from the boy. I’ve told Wolfe that he can pull the IP block and so if he wants to access my sites and info, I’m okay with that now, I just needed some time to feel completely private from him. I called him the other night, which ended up being another ‘what was I thinking’ event. No new information passed between us, and I was more upset after than before, when what I was hoping for was feeling more resolution. I honestly feel like I know nothing. I have a feeling that when the boy has feelings that he’s not so keen on, he’d just rather not share them at all. He also seems to express being upset as ‘frustration’ rather than sadness, which with my sensitivity, I read any frustration on his part, as ‘anger’, and I get more triggered. I am going to try NOT to initiate contact again, and I’ll assume if I don’t hear from him, he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship, and if I do hear from him, I’ll have to assess what he has to communicate to me, what he has to offer me, and what I’m willing to give in return at that time in my life. Because it’s amazing how quickly one’s life can change. Somehow people coming into my life quickly I never have a problem with, but when they leave quickly, I’m a bit shell shocked.

I do have something really really exciting happening in my life, that I promised Wolfe I wouldn’t write about in my journal, which is incredibly frustrating, frustrating, frustrating. It’s like one of those things that makes you feel like the next day is Christmas, but for complex reasons I can’t get into, something he wants to wait to open up to the web world. It’s nothing to do with another person or persons, I’m not pregnant (I’ve been spayed thank you) and I can’t say any more about that. Though if you do watch the web cam after next friday you might spot what it’s all about… okay, I’ve said too much already, and I don’t want to have to kill you! (joking joking)

Speaking of the web cam, we want to move into doing more live stuff on our sites, and are hoping we’ll be able to add aditional cams to the loft, and just be wired up everywhere. Hmmmm… I wonder if I have any exhibitionistic tendencies. Eventually there will be no safe place to pick my nose in privacy and I’ll be forced to suspicious activities like putting towels over my head or hiding behind pillows, and what will be the point, you’ll all know what I’m doing anyways. You’d think, given how much I talk about picking my nose, that I have a ‘thing’ about it. I don’t think I pick more than most people, I do have some ‘issues’ around it. As a child I was very very firmly chastised around nose picking, felt very humiliated by it, and as a child I used to pick MORE than the average kid, it became a nervous habit, a security thing, like kids who suck there thumb, the more I did it, the more negative attention it got from family, sibs, and mean kids, I also started developing nose bleed problems. I think as an adult, I still harbor guilt around nose picking… no joke. Even though logically I believe it’s no big deal, one of my anthropology teachers brought it up as one of the characteristics shared by all primates, etc, etc. A part of my hidden childhood insecurities tell me what I’m doing is something utterly horrible, disgusting, and completely unnacceptable. The fact that society tends to see the subject as a taboo, only reinforces that. So I deal with my anti societal conditioning nature, and my nose picking unresolved issues by talking about it, and disclosing the behavior in my journal at an excessive rate. Which you may or may not give a rats ass about… deal with it. I haven’t, but I’m going to try to, and try to get you to, even if I have to start adding a tag line to my entries and mail that says ‘nose picker, and proud’ (ouch)

Okay, enough of that (pick pick pick)

And if you have a kid, -don’t- over react if they pick, please, look what could happen to them!

Talking about child hood stuff is starting to feel a little ify to me… You see, both my parents are now using the web, they both have computers, I know they know my journal url, I’m pretty sure my dad has read now and again, and who knows if my mother has or will. So bitching about one’s parents, a totally normal journal behavior, as we ALL have parental issues, no matter how -wonderful- they are, is scary if you know they may be reading it… eep! Lets hope they don’t start going through the archives.

I might be able to keep them not reading, at least my mother, by starting my journals out with talking about some more of the most graphic and explicit stuff I do that I know squicks her out.

For instance, at sin city, a local fetish night in a club with dungeon, I approached a cute little boy doing some major CBT (Mom and Dad.. that stands for Cock and Ball torture) CBT is actually one of my favorite activities. Being a rather extreme sadist at times. Well, this boy is more extreme than I am, as I’ve seen pictures of his with his cock nailed to a board, pins stuck into the spongy tissue of the shaft, cigarette burns, etc. Now, I don’t have a problem with the level of abuse he is undergoing, just that the methods are too unsanitary. I’m all about sterile (aseptic once they’re out of the package) needles, surgical scrub, gloves, safe materials, aseptic environments, etc. If I was going to burn a penis, I think it might be nice to use incensce which you can use to brand with, making lovely permanent marks, I did take a branding workshop, (as well as piercing workshops etc) and feel very confident in my ability to create lovely scars on a penis with some incensce branding. He was also using very crude parachutes (devices used to secure around the balls, and or cock and balls, from which you then suspend objects of various weights) now, I thought him hanging the cinder block was cute… the shoe, well, a little crude. I have a number of lovely heavy fishing weights, the big big ones, 15 pounds of canon ball fishing weight lovingly coated in black plastic. I’ve also enjoyed hanging lanterns with candles burning in them from parachutes, which as well as weight, can add some heat. Then of course, there are other options, like electrical play, medical sounds ( medical steel tools used to stretch the urethra by inserting them lubricated inside, they come in various widths, and different styles, one type for men, one for women ) and if he really likes the heat I’ve always wanted to coat a cock completely in burning hot wax… why not? He’s also a super little cutie, and since he has a site with some little pics, he may end up being a cbt model on my MistressKatt site…. hmmmmm… new toys.

XO
Leila

This entry was posted on Monday, August 23rd, 2004 at 2:45 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.