CRASH
What the hell was I thinking, which is most of what is going through my mind lately. I don’t really want to get into the hows and whys of it, because I don’t want to make out my boy (ex-boy?) as some evil being, he’s just a regular 20 something guy, making regular 20 something ‘whoops’ I guess I shouldn’t of done that eh? Kind of things. Problem is, they’re kind of the whoops that blows my ability to have trust in the relationship sky high out of the water. So here I am, taking a recovering period from it all, in the ‘what the hell was I thinking’ mode. Trying not to do my typical blaming myself thing, which from Wolfe, and his girl, is insane, and even the boy is clear that he is the one that screwed up big time. Having an open honest safe poly relationship to me, does not mean planning in advance to spend the day and night in a hotel with an out of town women you had a one night stand with not that long ago, that was at that time cheating on your monogamous parnter, and woops, just not telling me. I call that lying by omission, see, I am a non-jealous non monogamous person, if he had told me, at the planning stage, hey, this girl, the one I told you about, is coming into town, and she wanted to know if I could spend the night with her.. I would have asked some questions I thought were important, like ‘does she know about me?’ and are you sure you can have safe sex with her? etc, etc. Since I have this idea that it’s not cool to fool around with the monogamous folk when you’re playing around with the poly folk. I don’t think it would be fair to her. Though mostly I feel the situation was a big bust for me. This is not the first violation of trust. The boy has a habit of not lying, but just conveniently forgetting to tell me about stuff that’s pretty important.
At any rate, I’ve decided to give myself a break and figure out what I’m going to do with the situation. I feel like so far in the relationship, I’ve given a whole hell of a lot of myself, and not really gotten back what I deserve, particularly in the respect department.
So any WELL behaved local (Vancouver) subby bottoms looking for a loving and devoted Domme that you know how to be honest with. I’m the nicest really mean sadist I know. I just want someone that is not afraid to give me all they’ve got, and then some.
Speaking of which, we are thinking of moving into a larger place, like renting a house for the fall, If between now and then I find a very compatible subby to live in with, that may be cool. At the least, I’m going to build dungeon space, and start doing some more from home play…. purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Life is not all bad, mind you, you know those steps involved in the grieving process. Well, right now I’m firmly in denial. Boy? what boy? did I have a boy? The ringer on the phone is off most of the time, Wolfe is screening calls otherwise, I’m not checking mail from him, I’ve maxed up my meds to what my psychiatrist calls the crisis level, and hoping that when the anger stage hits, it blows over quickly. I spend the last two days crying, I can’t do that anymore. It’s impossible to work on the computer when your eyes get so puffy they’re half swollen shut.
I’m not too worried about him reading this, Wolfe blocked his IP addy from reaching any of our sites, I just needed the privacy. I honestly feel that I’ve been used for a while, and I need a break from feeling like he’s not continuing to use me.
What a pathetic Domme I am, I just want someone to love AND torture.
XO
Leila