Going shopping today

Katt Posted in General
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Friend of mine is coming over and removing me from my premises to take me to value village locations, shopping therapy WILL happen today. That and big brother on tv tonight and the fact that I just woke up from a big nap after being woken up all morning by beautiful bella, it’s looking like a better morning than the crabby one I started out with. Which involved Bella peeing on me, my fault, she’d just woken up, and I should have taken her to the pee place right away, didn’t. I almost rolled up a newspaper to hit myself on the head and scold bad puppy mommy BAD. But decided that I had learned my lesson. Even though usually with the right people, I enjoy being peed on, this wasn’t that kind of scene. Would that make it beastiality water sports… ewwwwww. 😉

Well, the ‘exchange’ of the last of the baby boy’s stuff that was left here, with some panties he had of mine there. Was just completed by Wolfe, so that is hopefully that. Closed chapter. short, sweet, get thee over it wench.

shopping therapy, puppy therapy, orgasm therapy, I’m doing everything I can. Missed an orgasm yesterday, maybe I should try for two today to make up for it? Probably not, my libido may be slightly restored due to medication changes but I’m not completely back to my constantly randy self. Actually, that’s not true, I’ve kind of discovered that I’m pretty much ‘horny’ all the time, it’s just the depression and the meds make me too apathetic and lazy to act on it much of the time, partly because the meds make it harder for me to get off… I think hmmmm… I’d like to, if only it wasn’t so much work, maybe I’ll just watch some tv and eat. yah… good plan .

Really want to go to the munch on wednesday night, nice to get together with familiar places in a familiar location, and eat familiar food, and well, maybe cruise a little.

Okay, enough out of me, I need to primp a little for shopping before my friend arrives, maybe washing might be an idea too… hmmmm..

XO
Leila

In case you thought poly/non-monogamy was about being unsatisfied

Katt Posted in General
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Poly, having an open marriage, being non-monogamous, is not about not having enough love, etc, in the relationship. If anything it often feels like the opposite, that we have so much, we want to share it with others. Wolfe left for kickboxing, and 15 minutes later, came back in… looking like this.

Even though I told him I was totally fine, and to go to his class, that I was allright on my own, regardless of the whole baby boy episode this afternoon. He just told me that he was on his way, thought of me, smelled flowers, and had to buy me three bunches and come back home to me.

Wolfe darling, you are the biggest sweetie in the whole world! I’m sure if they sold sexy adult baby boy subbies at the flower shop, I’d have three bunches of those instead, or as well 😉

Thanks love!

XOX
Leila

At least he had the balls….

Katt Posted in General
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At least he had the balls to call back, finally, and “dump” me, well, it was kind of mutual, I basically said if he couldn’t be honest and let me know when he was planning on hooking up with other women, and being intimate with other people, that it violated my ability to trust him. I’m poly, I’m open, I can do light casual fuck friend stuff, but this had already gone to the I love you stage, and let’s be fluid bonded exchange paperwork stage… and well, I have no problem sharing up the wazoo, I just have a need to be informed. Well oddly enough for a subby baby boy, he has a problem with telling his mommy when he’s going to have a sleep over with someone else. Hence he labelled the relationship as being ‘much too serious’ … I’m not sure what he expected from me, unconditional service with a smile? I basically said, no trust, no nookie, if he can’t let me know what is going on in his life, particularly his intimate life, then I can’t really be sexually intimate and loving with him, because I don’t have the trust. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have much of anything. So, given my conditions, his decision is that we can’t see one another again. I suggested a friendship, and if he wanted to still do photos and play without sexual intimacy, that I would be open to that, but he felt he couldn’t do that. So it was a full out full stop.

I’m sure there is another woman out there, who is kinky, Dominant, willing to mommy an adult baby boy, with a big booty, who is polyamorous, will let him explore to his hearts content, and live out all his fantasies… NOT, well maybe, but highly unlikely, who knows, he’s probably going to go with plan B, which is the standard that most men in his position get into, Lovely wife who he loves dearly and loves him in return, family, 2.5 kids and a dog, and a secret life with a pro-Dom and a lot of porn. Hell, if stuck with my crowd, at least he would have had a chance, even my help, with hooking up with someone who is going to be kink friendly. I would have had no problem helping him find a long term who was the whole package when he was ready for that, as well, as let him play around now in the meantime. I still don’t entirely get at what was so impossible for him from my expectations.

Okay, enough about the boy, done, over. As Wolfe says you never listen to yourself when you have those early warning signals, and I had concerns early on, like when I was in hospital and he didn’t think of visiting until Wolfe highly recommended it. Other little things too, asking myself, is there some empathy lack here? So as usual, I kept suspending my fears and doubts, holding on to hopes and dreams, until I get to the slap in the face rip a hole in my heart reality check. Well, there’s a lot of scar tissue there, and it never really heals, but at the same time, I’m used to just slapping a bandage on the sucker, and do my best to soldier on… ha ha.

Okay, enough about that, time to focus on the people who love me. I had an amazing night with Wolfe last night, doing some nasty age play forced sex role play in the dark… yummy. It was one of those long slow build orgasms, that didn’t end in a really big ‘wham’, but had a huge amount of tension and emotional release, which is what I really needed.

Bio party happening next weekend too, and really want to go to that, I do think I’ll have to find a toy of my own for a while, not that I minded co-topping little tanuki Wolfe’s toy at the last party. Reminds me, I have to write back to cbt boy.

Going to try to get out a bit this week, and reconnect with the world, have to see, it’s tricky with a baby in the house, that little puppy, I don’t want to leave her for more than 3 hours alone kennelled. That’s the length of her bladder/sleep time after a long play and a pee.

Speaking of Bella the beautiful… here is another pic of my darling.

time to go, was heading out on my way to value village when the boy just called today, just before I wrote this entry, and well, now I’m all dressed up, but not going to go. Wolfe has to head to kickboxing, and I’ve lost my taste for a shopping outing, though I’m all dressed, painted, and ready to roll. Not enough time first of all, because I really don’t want to leave the puppy alone, and well, still a little emotional from talking to the boy, though it was the outcome I had pretty much expected and prepared for, honestly, I didn’t think he was going to call at all.

Time to strip off the too hot clothes, and get a cool drink, and curl up in front of the tv and play with the puppy. Damn, and I was looking so smoking too… 😉

No regrets, I loved loving him while it lasted, will continue to, but know that first and foremost, it’s got to be loving me first, which means insisting on my limits, my boundaries, and my needs for trust, security, and respect.

XO
Leila

I’d get snarky, and say, he could kiss my ass.. but actually, it’s the other way around… no more ass kissing from that sweet boy.

sleeping

Katt Posted in General
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Well, I’ve spent shit loads of time this weekend just sleeping, I have no idea how many hours, just too many. I think the main reason is a)depressive symptoms – fluxuates with me, I go through periods with too much sleep, and others with too little, and b) puppy sleep schedule. Since I was the one that begged and begged and begged for another dog, I was also the one to promise to take the majority of care for her, hence, I’ve been on night-time doggie doo duty. I’m a firm believer in kennel training, my little sleeping beauty, bella, is happily asleep in her crate ( a favorite place of hers though she’s only been here since thursday ) and I thought about sleeping while she was, though believe me, I’ve had more sleep than anyone should need already. It’s just been interupted sleep. She’s not too bad, normally after I go to sleep in the night, she wakes me up three times before my normal wake up time. The first couple of times she just needs a quick sleepy pee, and the third time, its for bowel elimination, and she’s not sleepy, and wants to eat, drink, and play, before napping again. This happens around 7:30 in the morning, a decent time for many, still somewhat the middle of the night for me. She’s thankfully worn out and ready to sleep again after about half an hour of this. Then she sleeps again till I get up. Her crate is on the bed by my pillow at night, and downstairs by the couch during the day. It has soft flannel rags bundled in it, a large stuffy, and a small stuffed tiger, and a hard chew. Puppies love to chew. Actually, the picture of her I posted a couple of entries ago was from her in her kennel. I just wait until she gets really sleepy, or falls asleep, put her in the kennel, and then close it up. Dogs are den animals, and it hasn’t taken her long to develop a love relationship with this special place that belongs only to her, she likes to drag the dog toys inside her den, where she can monopolize on their destruction. Though if she leaves her kennel, Iggy will stick his head in (the only part that fits since its been padded with the big stuffy, and he will plunder and reclaim what he feels is rightly his, and place it in his bed, which has wicker walls which are still too high for her to scale. When she approaches his bed fortress and he’s in it he warns her off with a growl, and she goes scuttling away. There are no shortage of dog toys though, so no paw is left empty handed. The floor is riddled with an assortment of stuffed monkeys, 3 or 4, I’ve lost count. a stuffed tiger, hector the hissy snake, the stuffed frog. All these toys have in common long floppy parts, which are very satisfying if you are prone to shaking a stiffy in your mouth. They quickly become saturated with dog slobber, don’t be surprised, bugs (pug bostons crosses) may be small, but the jowl factor, which is what seems to retain saliva and water from the bowl, is pretty good. Tanuki, Wolfe’s girl, uses the term ‘manky’ for things that have become unpleasantly wet and yucky. So there are a lot of manky monkeys in the house.

I have now numerous photos of Iggy and Bella play tugging with one another over manky monkeys, but haven’t downloaded them yet. By the way, if these entries latelty are rife with even more typos than usual, it’s because I’ve tajen to using our ‘third’ computer, which is the one with a damaged permantly fuzzy screen, and remote keyboard, which I am using from the bed, about 4 feet away from said fuzzy screen, I have better than 20/20 vision, but I can barely make out my own words. Honestly, I don’t care. I’m motivated by two characteristics of my nature, one, laziness, I can recline and type, two, exhibitionism, if I lay on the bed to write entries, you can see my bum on the cam! ha ha!

Bum bum bum!

cheeky monkey!

Well, thats the wonderful world of wildlife in our loft right now. I’m trying to decide whether I’m going to break my hermit like streak of living in the tank dress I’m wearing, and put on real clothes and go outdoors… ie … shopping. There is a big movie wardrobe sale held by a local auction house on right now a couple of blocks away, and they’ve had them in the past, and I’ve had some good finds there. Also, I haven’t had a VV boutique (value village) shop in a while. Partly it’s because a lot of the time when I second hand shop, I’m shopping for my baby boy too, or at least keepng an eye out, so it’s one more frigging reminder. Sleeping is too easy and escape sometimes. But I’m starting to get that soft muscled, soft brained, foggy slightly surreal sick feel from spending too much time in the dream state.

My AB sissy girl jOni is coming back into town not too far from now, and we’ve a shopping trip planned that willl be good. I’m probably going to try and hit the Vancouver BDSM munch on wednesday night this week, and now Lush has a kind of fetish wear night on teusdays, that might be fun. Quieter than sin city, which I like if I want to dance, I like to have room to swing my hips in, and they’re pretty substantial hips.

My email obligations are piling up. Though I have to say, I’m really bad at responding to a lot of stuff, people write me for all kinds of reasons, and a lot of the time, I simply am not up to replying or don’t have time too. Not friends, but fan mail, requests for bdsm sessions, modelling stuff, etc. I need a personal assistant dammit 😉 Just one more word for yummy subby who does all the right things. Dream on!

XO
Leila

puppy PUPPY puppy

Katt Posted in General
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Well, little Bella is the joy of my life right now. She’s absoultely adorable. I’ve been Mommying her 24/7, which has been more of a joy than a chore. She’s smart, and curious, and a happy girl. Her and Iggy started really playing together today, whch was so cute, He’s really good with smaller dogs and puppies. It’s amazing he’s so strong that you can lift him out of the air with his tug toys, and he can whip your arm around, and give you the work out of your life, but the same tug toy shared between him and bella, well, he barely lets it dangle from his mouth, gives her an encouraging tug, shake, or growl, eveyonce in a while, but will play with her for a long time, just basically using hardly any of his strength or power. I hope they build a great companionship together.

Still no work from my (ex?) baby boy. Ah well, I give my heart, plus home made adult baby onesies with little bears lovingly hand sewn on them, stuffed bear, did I mention my heart? I’m left with little information, and some nice porn, which he’s probably making more use of than I am. I can’t really look at the piictures of us together. He left a shrt of his here that smells like him, If he’s not going to claim it within the next couple of days, I’m going to have to toss it. I made the mistake of bringing it my face and smelling it when I came upon it a few days ago, smell is such an instictual thing, I was a crying mess in an instant. Since the thing that happened with him, whatever that was exactly, the only AB stuff I’ve been able to shoot was with girls, and not with me in the pic. I’m wondering when and if I can get back to direct Mommying, photographing it, etc. I keep trying to remind myself that I’m a tough Dom bitch that should be jaded and thick skinned by now… it doesn’t work well for me.

Which reminds me I have to write back to the nice little boy who wants me to nail ihis penis to a block of wood at a play party, and exactly why that can’t really happen. It violates my own CBT rules, and I’m pretty sure house play party rules. Now, I can accomodate him by sticking some needles through his foreskin, and the skin of his penis and testes… but I rather do that at home, in better lighting, and with the camera capturing the art and craft of my needlework.

Maybe what I need to get over my adult baby is just a really good toy, someone that’s easy on the eyes, that I won’t be prone to developing feelings for, that I can just use and abuse, sexually and sadistically. I’ll probably get bored pretty quick, but it might be fun for a fast power tripping blast.

Boy or girl, I don’t care, I just want them to be… responsive, if you know what I mean, sluts, loud, eager, willing to take pain, wanting it, wanting domination, fucking, and to serve. Snap snap, service!

So few true serville pain slut subbies though, that really want to give as much as they recieve. Or can handle what I have to dish out.

Maybe time for me to so a little predatory prowl and see what is out there.

XO
Leila

Beginnings, beasts, beauties… and bella

Katt Posted in General
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Well, It’s been an interesting week. I still haven’t heard a word out of my baby boy, which is leading me to feel pretty low on the priority list. When he said he needed time to think about things, I didn’t realize he would be totally non-communicato. I would love to have some indication of what is going on in his head and his life. Even if it’s that he wants to not have any involvement, or still needs time to think, or what have you. Right now it’s feeling just a little too ‘high school’ if you know what I mean. Can’t grownups, especially ones who have shared some pretty intense moments communicate in a somewhat reasonable fashion, I guess maybe we can’t, I probably said my share of things that could have been worded better in the course of the last few conversations we did have. Regardless, I feel shut out in a totally passive-aggressive way. So I’m beginning to feel like it’s more than just the start of the end, I am the type (unfortunately) to sit by the phone and wait and wonder, but I can only do that for so long before I drive myself even more insane. The other beginning in my life is a beautiful one, that thing I told you I couldn’t tell you about? Well I can now, Wolfe just wanted to wait till she was here and a part of our home before word got out and about, we have a new addition to the family, baby Bella, who is an 8 week old boston terrier pug cross, black with a little white star on her chest. She’s adorable, instead of half and half like Iggy, her mother was half pug have boston, and her father pure pug, so she’s a little more puggly, which is fine.

She’s teeny tiny, just an ounce over 3 pounds, about the size of Iggy’s head right now I’d wager. She’s very sweet. We had a long agonizing decision of whether to try to have two dogs again. We made serious errors in choosing a second dog last time, everything we could have done wrong we did do wrong. We realized how bad we flubbed it up, and we found an excellent home for the second dog. We had worked with our trainer at the time, but had made bad choices right from the start, bringing home a second puppy while Iggy was still too young, bringing in another male dog, bringing in a dog that was obviously more dominant, and then doing the wrong things once the second dog was in the home. Well, now that we hopefully know what we’re doing, we have little Bella, and we’re keeping our fingers and hearts crossed hoping her and Iggy will be our family for the rest of their days, and the best of companions for one another.

I’ve been getting closer to Wolfe’s girl, tanuki, and that has been a lot of fun, but a bit unusual too. She’s very intimate in terms of comfortable with cuddling and closeness, and when it comes to sex, no problems too, we’ve both had our hands caught quite happily in each others pie as it were, to use an entirely groaning metaphor, but she’s not comfortable with ‘making out’, and I’m big on kissing, which is a very intimate act, so I can understand her boundaries, but it feels awkward to me, I usually explore the oral stage before I get to the genital stage, so sometimes I feel like I’m redirecting my instinticual mating patterns. I also have to catch myself not trying to ‘take control’ she’s subby, but she’s Wolfe’s subby, and well, subbies bring out the Domme in me… have to keep that in check, don’t want to step over any boundaries there either. But! there really hasn’t been any issues, just tiny things, really as far as a poly triad goes, with the three of us now, it feels very loving, very comfortable, and non-threatening. I do sometimes get sad, because at the beginning of Wolfe and tanuki’s involvement, the boy was involved with me, and I was hoping to have more of a family feel in a quad kind of way. So when the two of them are sharing more of their own one on one time, it brings more awareness to my own lack of connection with my age play lover, who has gone? is on hiatus? pouting? sowing wild oats? all of the above? who the heck knows, not me. I’m not going to go out looking for anything new, I didn’t get involved with my baby boy that way, and even though a part of me wants to fill the hole. In part quite literally, because getting involved with an entirely new person body wise is particularly fun as well as all the emotional and intellectual stuff, I miss the physical too. I don’t want to be out on the rebound, I don’t even know if I am on the rebound? have I been dumped? (again feeling that’s a weird high school kind of goings on) does he think I’ve dumped him? Does he give a rats ass? Again, no communication coming in to me, so I really have NO idea. Really, not waiting by the phone (pathetic Dommy Mommy I am) okay, so anyone has read my journal in the past knows that I fall in love, hard, and intensely, and realistically, I’m not the easiest person to be involved with. People who think they want to be involved with a married, polyamorous, bisexual, kinky, fetish, porn making, babe with depression, sometimes, after a little while, they think… hmmmm, maybe not so much. Hey Mom, meet the girl of my dreams, middle aged, married nut case kinkoid . So, finding poly partner that are into any thing serious, which is my preference over ‘casual’ is hard to do. Casual is fine, as long as there is enough respect, communication, and no risk of unsafe sex happening.

However, even when not looking for anything new… Due to the line of ‘work’ I’m in, in terms of website production of fetish photography, I do get approached.. a lot. Literally loads of mail daily, occasionally in public, and there are no shortage of subs willing to sacrifice themselves on the altar of my depravity and emotional instability. I am tempted to contact some of the people that have taken the time to write me and feel them out. The boy brought out a part of me that made me realize there is something I want in my life right now, unfortunately, what I want is him, but it’s not a choice I get to make on my own. I’m not sure I want to check out possible ‘substitutes’ Love just happens for me, though after it happens, I try to work hard on the maintenance part. Maybe I’m just too old to waste time sowing my own ‘wild oats’, though I know a lot of people older than I doing just that, I guess, it’s just never been that satisfying to me. What I want in friends and lovers is always the same, it’s a high standard, but a simple one, that they know me, I know them, there aren’t hurtful secrets or lies between us, ever, that there is honesty, love, respect, and integrity. Which means if they feel the love has ended or the friendship has, or that one or both of us would be better seperate than together, or the nature of our relationship together needs to change, that they communicate that. Doesn’t seem like a high standard, you’d be surprised, unfortunately a lot of people I know have a hard time keeping that standard to themselves, never mind to another person. Keeping ‘true’ is a challenge, but I don’t want anything less, I’d rather be alone. I’ve found I’m more lonely in a relationship based on lies, than alone with myself and the truth. That’s why I’m hoping I can connect with the boy and find out what the truth is from his perspective, before I decide to stop waiting, and get to the ‘fuck it’ stage. Which is an intellectual state for me, because I have one of those hearts that never stops loving, even when my head has told me, you cannot see this person again. The love, that always goes on, for those that have been lost, through death, through choices, through abuse, or what have you. I might have to stay away physically from those I love at times in my life, and sometimes permanently, but they never leave my heart, and never fully my thoughts, I still have dreams of childhood loves at night, as well as recent loves lost. Life goes on. Without pain, where can there not be pleasure… I think as a depressive person, I feel loss greatly, and deeply, but I also know, that my capacity to love, is phenomenal as well. Sometimes I feel as if I love everything and everyone, or that I would like to. Just as I become overwhelmed with the world with the sensations and ideations of depression, I also become overwhelmed at times with sheer love and adoration for the world, people in it, people I don’t know, and especially those I do.

all my love.
Leila

Emotional ruckus, not so bad…

Katt Posted in General
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Well, my feelings have been all over the place with the hiatus from the boy. I’ve told Wolfe that he can pull the IP block and so if he wants to access my sites and info, I’m okay with that now, I just needed some time to feel completely private from him. I called him the other night, which ended up being another ‘what was I thinking’ event. No new information passed between us, and I was more upset after than before, when what I was hoping for was feeling more resolution. I honestly feel like I know nothing. I have a feeling that when the boy has feelings that he’s not so keen on, he’d just rather not share them at all. He also seems to express being upset as ‘frustration’ rather than sadness, which with my sensitivity, I read any frustration on his part, as ‘anger’, and I get more triggered. I am going to try NOT to initiate contact again, and I’ll assume if I don’t hear from him, he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship, and if I do hear from him, I’ll have to assess what he has to communicate to me, what he has to offer me, and what I’m willing to give in return at that time in my life. Because it’s amazing how quickly one’s life can change. Somehow people coming into my life quickly I never have a problem with, but when they leave quickly, I’m a bit shell shocked.

I do have something really really exciting happening in my life, that I promised Wolfe I wouldn’t write about in my journal, which is incredibly frustrating, frustrating, frustrating. It’s like one of those things that makes you feel like the next day is Christmas, but for complex reasons I can’t get into, something he wants to wait to open up to the web world. It’s nothing to do with another person or persons, I’m not pregnant (I’ve been spayed thank you) and I can’t say any more about that. Though if you do watch the web cam after next friday you might spot what it’s all about… okay, I’ve said too much already, and I don’t want to have to kill you! (joking joking)

Speaking of the web cam, we want to move into doing more live stuff on our sites, and are hoping we’ll be able to add aditional cams to the loft, and just be wired up everywhere. Hmmmm… I wonder if I have any exhibitionistic tendencies. Eventually there will be no safe place to pick my nose in privacy and I’ll be forced to suspicious activities like putting towels over my head or hiding behind pillows, and what will be the point, you’ll all know what I’m doing anyways. You’d think, given how much I talk about picking my nose, that I have a ‘thing’ about it. I don’t think I pick more than most people, I do have some ‘issues’ around it. As a child I was very very firmly chastised around nose picking, felt very humiliated by it, and as a child I used to pick MORE than the average kid, it became a nervous habit, a security thing, like kids who suck there thumb, the more I did it, the more negative attention it got from family, sibs, and mean kids, I also started developing nose bleed problems. I think as an adult, I still harbor guilt around nose picking… no joke. Even though logically I believe it’s no big deal, one of my anthropology teachers brought it up as one of the characteristics shared by all primates, etc, etc. A part of my hidden childhood insecurities tell me what I’m doing is something utterly horrible, disgusting, and completely unnacceptable. The fact that society tends to see the subject as a taboo, only reinforces that. So I deal with my anti societal conditioning nature, and my nose picking unresolved issues by talking about it, and disclosing the behavior in my journal at an excessive rate. Which you may or may not give a rats ass about… deal with it. I haven’t, but I’m going to try to, and try to get you to, even if I have to start adding a tag line to my entries and mail that says ‘nose picker, and proud’ (ouch)

Okay, enough of that (pick pick pick)

And if you have a kid, -don’t- over react if they pick, please, look what could happen to them!

Talking about child hood stuff is starting to feel a little ify to me… You see, both my parents are now using the web, they both have computers, I know they know my journal url, I’m pretty sure my dad has read now and again, and who knows if my mother has or will. So bitching about one’s parents, a totally normal journal behavior, as we ALL have parental issues, no matter how -wonderful- they are, is scary if you know they may be reading it… eep! Lets hope they don’t start going through the archives.

I might be able to keep them not reading, at least my mother, by starting my journals out with talking about some more of the most graphic and explicit stuff I do that I know squicks her out.

For instance, at sin city, a local fetish night in a club with dungeon, I approached a cute little boy doing some major CBT (Mom and Dad.. that stands for Cock and Ball torture) CBT is actually one of my favorite activities. Being a rather extreme sadist at times. Well, this boy is more extreme than I am, as I’ve seen pictures of his with his cock nailed to a board, pins stuck into the spongy tissue of the shaft, cigarette burns, etc. Now, I don’t have a problem with the level of abuse he is undergoing, just that the methods are too unsanitary. I’m all about sterile (aseptic once they’re out of the package) needles, surgical scrub, gloves, safe materials, aseptic environments, etc. If I was going to burn a penis, I think it might be nice to use incensce which you can use to brand with, making lovely permanent marks, I did take a branding workshop, (as well as piercing workshops etc) and feel very confident in my ability to create lovely scars on a penis with some incensce branding. He was also using very crude parachutes (devices used to secure around the balls, and or cock and balls, from which you then suspend objects of various weights) now, I thought him hanging the cinder block was cute… the shoe, well, a little crude. I have a number of lovely heavy fishing weights, the big big ones, 15 pounds of canon ball fishing weight lovingly coated in black plastic. I’ve also enjoyed hanging lanterns with candles burning in them from parachutes, which as well as weight, can add some heat. Then of course, there are other options, like electrical play, medical sounds ( medical steel tools used to stretch the urethra by inserting them lubricated inside, they come in various widths, and different styles, one type for men, one for women ) and if he really likes the heat I’ve always wanted to coat a cock completely in burning hot wax… why not? He’s also a super little cutie, and since he has a site with some little pics, he may end up being a cbt model on my MistressKatt site…. hmmmmm… new toys.

XO
Leila

CRASH

Katt Posted in General
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What the hell was I thinking, which is most of what is going through my mind lately. I don’t really want to get into the hows and whys of it, because I don’t want to make out my boy (ex-boy?) as some evil being, he’s just a regular 20 something guy, making regular 20 something ‘whoops’ I guess I shouldn’t of done that eh? Kind of things. Problem is, they’re kind of the whoops that blows my ability to have trust in the relationship sky high out of the water. So here I am, taking a recovering period from it all, in the ‘what the hell was I thinking’ mode. Trying not to do my typical blaming myself thing, which from Wolfe, and his girl, is insane, and even the boy is clear that he is the one that screwed up big time. Having an open honest safe poly relationship to me, does not mean planning in advance to spend the day and night in a hotel with an out of town women you had a one night stand with not that long ago, that was at that time cheating on your monogamous parnter, and woops, just not telling me. I call that lying by omission, see, I am a non-jealous non monogamous person, if he had told me, at the planning stage, hey, this girl, the one I told you about, is coming into town, and she wanted to know if I could spend the night with her.. I would have asked some questions I thought were important, like ‘does she know about me?’ and are you sure you can have safe sex with her? etc, etc. Since I have this idea that it’s not cool to fool around with the monogamous folk when you’re playing around with the poly folk. I don’t think it would be fair to her. Though mostly I feel the situation was a big bust for me. This is not the first violation of trust. The boy has a habit of not lying, but just conveniently forgetting to tell me about stuff that’s pretty important.

At any rate, I’ve decided to give myself a break and figure out what I’m going to do with the situation. I feel like so far in the relationship, I’ve given a whole hell of a lot of myself, and not really gotten back what I deserve, particularly in the respect department.

So any WELL behaved local (Vancouver) subby bottoms looking for a loving and devoted Domme that you know how to be honest with. I’m the nicest really mean sadist I know. I just want someone that is not afraid to give me all they’ve got, and then some.

Speaking of which, we are thinking of moving into a larger place, like renting a house for the fall, If between now and then I find a very compatible subby to live in with, that may be cool. At the least, I’m going to build dungeon space, and start doing some more from home play…. purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Life is not all bad, mind you, you know those steps involved in the grieving process. Well, right now I’m firmly in denial. Boy? what boy? did I have a boy? The ringer on the phone is off most of the time, Wolfe is screening calls otherwise, I’m not checking mail from him, I’ve maxed up my meds to what my psychiatrist calls the crisis level, and hoping that when the anger stage hits, it blows over quickly. I spend the last two days crying, I can’t do that anymore. It’s impossible to work on the computer when your eyes get so puffy they’re half swollen shut.

I’m not too worried about him reading this, Wolfe blocked his IP addy from reaching any of our sites, I just needed the privacy. I honestly feel that I’ve been used for a while, and I need a break from feeling like he’s not continuing to use me.

What a pathetic Domme I am, I just want someone to love AND torture.

XO
Leila

Too hot

Katt Posted in General
1

We’ve had a record hot summer here, and it’s been a record for me getting hot sweaty and skanky for day after day after day. I’m starting to seriously look forward to the fall. Had a little dip in my mood today that I rectified with a bit of a shopping spree. I really needed a couple of new bras and some panties, tank tops, those are kind of my staple ‘undergarments’ and then I had bought this pink shawl like poncho in a very fine lacy style weave, and decided, sure, why not buy them in every other color they make, being blue, white, and black. Considering I came home with 3 shawl/ponchos, 5 tank tops, 2 bras, and 5 undies, I don’t feel too bad for blowing a 138$ bucks. Thank you Army and Navy!

Had a serious talk with Wolfe recently, about me needing to do more for myself, my own care needs, making my own meals, helping with housework. It’s become second nature for both of us for him just to do it. But it’s not good for either of us, or our relationship. I don’t have good self esteem when I just manipulate into not doing anything. It’s a very damaging thing, depression or not, I have to do as much as I can for my own self care. It’s been challenging. I’ve had to find a new family Dr. as ours of several years is leaving her practice, and, I have to find a new psychiatrist because mine has moved so far away. It’s left me feeling a little lost in terms of medical support around my depression. We go to see our new Dr. next week, and have some referrals in to some psychiatrists from our old Dr., and maybe our new Dr. will also have some recommendations.

Sex has been a happy thing for me lately, it seems my drive is coming back… so far my trying to have an orgasm a day has been pretty ‘bang on’ so to speak, I have had a day without, but I’ve also had a day with two ;). It doesn’t hurt that I have an amazingly talented and sexy husband, a gorgeous and talented sexy boyfriend, and that I get to play with the sweet sexy little girl toy that my hubby has…
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Welp, I’m a seriously behind in website work, loads and loads of photos to edit for future updates.

XO
Leila

Harems and Orgasms

Katt Posted in General
0

Thanks for your comment Danielle, it’s nice to know people are reading, considering I haven’t written for so long! Unfortunately my place doesn’t look exactly like a sultans harem room… but I do plan on having one some day, would that make me a sultanette? I love figs and dates, and honey, so I don’t think I could go wrong on that end of things. I prefer figs fresh and ripe than dried though, they are one of my favorite fruits. When I get property some day, and have a home with a harem room, I also plan on having fig trees which do grow quite well in BC Canada here, and produce a lot of very yummy fruit.

Being a serviced oriented Domme, I have always enjoyed the concept that one day I will have a household with a live in, or two, or ten, to attend me. I always like to dream up various, well, accomodation styles for various types of submissives, and one of the rooms I would like to have would be what I think of as the harem room. Basically a floor entirely padded, lots of silk saris used to create a tent like effect through draping over ceiling and walls, multiple blankets and sheets of silk and satin with an adjoining shower/bath room. I’d install a split door, the kind that you can open the top or the bottom, or both. Then subbies entering and leaving would have to crawl in or out, when not locked in entirely that is.

But that is only one of many ideas, so I need to keep buying lotto tickets, though I will get a version of my dream estate some day regardless, even if it’s smaller, and I have to wait till I’m 80 to do it dammit. Actually it won’t be that bad, we’re scrimping, saving, and hoping, paying off the mortage on the little loft condo bit by bit, and after that’s done, we’ll have the equity, have our record of bankruptcy will have come off the files, and we should be able to invest in something to build towards. Patience. Actually, I’m a very patient person, and I enjoy thinking about doing things sometimes almost as much as I enjoy doing them, anticipation is often half the fun… okay well maybe not half, but fun regardless.

So my sex drive seems to slowly be returning to a somewhat normal level after about 3 years of serious impairment. Depression, and anti-depressant meds will do that to you. I’m actively working on it, which doesn’t hurt. My goal is to try to have an orgasm a day. Retrain my body into remembering that hey, this is really good. It’s also about the only type of exercise I manage, that and shopping, and beating on people in scene. I think I get the most of a workout by topping. I lose track of my fatigue and effort level in getting absorbed into what I’m doing. So I’m thinking maybe I should create sex related and BDSM related ‘fitness’ goals. For instance, I recently got a strap-on, which has gotten little use. I have used it, but not for anything other than for kinky photos of slipping a baby bottle in where a dil would go, and having my adult baby boy suck me off till the bottle was empty while we snapped some pics. I had an invitation to use it last night, but thought about it, and knowing where I’m at right now, and remembering from past life experiences how much work fucking someone can lead up to, I’m a bit ashamed to say I refused the invitation, and took lazier routes to the same end. I didn’t get any complaints, but regardless, I’m making one of my fitness goals to be work up to some hot and heavy pelvic thrusting some time before the year is out. I’ll start slow, besides, most of my, um, power, is in my hips anyways. I’ll try not to cheat by laying on my back.

That’s enough from me, I’m easing back into the journal writing too. Coming out of depressive fog states, I need to take little steps in many directions, and not pile too much back on my plate all at once.

Get to see my baby boy on teusday, after many weeks of his absence… can’t wait!

XO
Leila