I still can’t believe how fast and furious I fell in love with him, and how much I miss him. A day, hour, doesn’t pass, where I don’t wonder if I should contact him, try and undo the ‘goodbyes’, but at the same time, I think, you know, when you love someone that much…. you want their happiness and your own. As long as he’s committed to trying to make the relationship with the woman he lives with and loves work, I have no real place in his life. He was so worried about having hurt me, but my hurt came from not wanting him to hurt. I also don’t want to be a hidden part time secret. I guess maybe it’s selfish to be an all or nothing girl. I try not feel rejected that he hasn’t somehow just decided to break it off with her and is knocking on my door saying, I’m single, I’m here, I love you, and I want to be a part of your life… you know, those silly happily ever after dream scenarios that sometimes wend ones way through your imagination. It’s hard not to hope for that, it’s hard not write him and remind him, that I’m here… I hate that ‘waiting for the phone to ring’ syndrome, makes me feel pathetic. The phone rings - I wonder, could it be him, did he decide to break it off with her (he did tell me it hasn’t been working, he thought he might have fallen out of love with her, and la la la la la…) I check my email, and I wonder… could it be him, blah blah blah… more of the same. Yesterday sucked. The last time I had talked to him before I said ‘no more’ not while you’re unavailable, he had mentioned that he had time teusday and we could spend the day together. It was a shitty day thinking he could be here, we could be together, and instead… I’m working, trying to distract myself, and wondering whats going on on his end. Did his girlfriend make a big breakthrough and things are getting better for them, part of me hopes for that, because I want him to be happy, and I know how much he has said he loves her in the past, then another part of me wants it to fail, wants him free, wants to claim him. Wondering if he’s thinking of me, if he thinks of me as often as I obsess on him.

Played today with jOni, and a new sissy baby Stephi, and it was hard, they were darlings, but I missed my boy something fierce. Going through all the baby stuff, seeing all his baby stuff, things he’d bought, things I’d bought. Stephi has brought some stuff over that she didn’t use any more, having gone sissy, but at one time being into ‘boy’ stuff, looking through her donations, and thinking which items the boy would love, folding them aside, and wondering if I’ll ever get to share that with him again. I feel like I’ve lost a lover, and a child. I’m grieving, I hate it. I thought I was madly in love with him when I was with him, I’m feeling it as much, if not more, apart from him. And his things, I don’t want to see other babies in his things, his clothes, even if he would be willing to share them, if he were with me, that would be no big deal, but seeing another adult baby boy ‘dressed’ as him, that would eat me up. I’ve packed it all up together in one corner of my chest of baby stuff, and covered it in a piece of blue silk, so I don’t see it all the time when I’m and out of there, little good it does me, screaming at me from that bright blue corner in a field of pink sissy femmy baby things.

Working my ass off on the websites has helped distract me a bit. I didn’t want to come in here and keep writing about him, but fuck it, it’s my journal, I use it, I write in it, when I have stuff I need to express, and need to work out with myself, and don’t have another place I feel I can do it. I do it here, I do it for me, I do it because saying it, helps me figure it out…

Back to work.
XO
Leila

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