Good Katt, Bad Katt, Fuck That! Well, I’ve successfully switched from one set of anti-depressent meds to a different set, that is a) working for me just as well, and b) HAS GIVEN ME MY FUCKING SEX DRIVE BACK.

Yay! Shit!

Okay… here I am, horny little (not so little) girl.

Of course still obsessing on the boy, now the lost boy. So I have the little angel sitting on one shoulder telling me that “you did the right and ethical thing darling”, and I have the little devil sitting on the other shoulder going… “come on baby, you’re a she-Katt in heat, and you want that meat.” Little angel crinkles her nose in disgust and reminds me that that would be likely hurtful and unfair to many people, with a lot of potential damage and drama. The little devil is going… “yah baby, but don’t you LOVE a little drama?” “besides don’t you know that if you invited that little boy over and REALLY rocked his world, pulled out all your tricks in the book, that you could have him so wrapped and so girlfriend free in moments, and have -everything- you want”. The little angel just sighs, looks into my eyes, and goes ‘girl, you know that’s not you, just because you -could- do it, doesn’t mean you -should- do it”.

No, I don’t have a split personality, I’m just a gemini with a vivid imagination, my mental illness is strictly mood disorder thank you, a serious case of the blues… no psychoses here, nope, no one here but us chickens

Fortunately, or, unfortunately. That little angel always seems to win out, though I do fantasize about calling that boy over, and claiming my territory. MINE (not).

It’s that little ethic I’ve had since I fell in love with my first best friend when I was 12, If there is any conflict, potential fall out, you have to let it be their decision, you can’t seduce, play games, use intoxicants, etc. If you really love them, you want them, need them, to come to you, and give of themselves, freely, and totally.

Oh the sweet ’straight’ girls I’ve known and had crushes on who’ve gotten ‘deliberately’ intoxicated, so they could have an ‘excuse’ to expirement, and then throw their luscious little bodies all over me. It was always a -no- not like this, if you still want me when your sober, and you can tell me you want me, and you can come to me without shame… then yes, but I won’t take your power away from you, even if you want me to. Not until you can come to me seriously, sober, decided, and say… take it, take me, take my power from me. Then that’s a different ball game, I’m happy to Dom/Top someone who makes the initial gift of it, but take it, under trickery, pretenses, or uncertaintity, never.

Why am I writing all this, oh probably in part to give myself a little reminder on where I stand, because that boy is so damn tempting. I want him. I just don’t want to own him, keep him, top him, fuck him, love him, I just want him in my life in all those capacities for as long as he can tolerate my eccentricities . But… I’ll wait. so far, the record on saying ‘no, not under these circumstances’ and waiting for the person to return under the ‘right circumstances’ has been nil. Unfortunately, people usually don’t make those big changes, those big leaps, and it’s probably all right that it’s worked out that way… because to make it in a relationship with me, people have to be capable of pretty big leaps.

I’m a way out, completely un-closeted, pervert, with a reputation that is happily spreading vastly, associating with me comes with some baggage.

So… any takers (ha ha)

XO
Leila

This entry was posted on Friday, March 19th, 2004 at 9:32 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.