Well, an update… when not to fall in love – a) when the person you’ve fallen for is in a long term comitted relationship with someone else who is not polyamorous, not open to sharing, and does not know you, the ‘other woman’ exists.

Shit.

Why do I do these things to myself. I am completely totally smitten with the boy, which is why I had to tell him, I had to break it off. I can’t do the accomplice to cheating thing. I can’t put someone I love in the position of hurting someone else they love. I’ve been that person in the middle before, and it just about killed me, I can’t ever put someone else there. I just can’t.

So I had to say goodbye, at least, for now. If he becomes single, I hope he seeks me out again. Perhaps not, maybe I’ve blown it, or maybe he’ll be with his current ’till death do they part’, not that that happens often now a days, but the odds of him still having feelings for me when that time comes, if it does, who knows.

The boy I fell for was one of my adult babies, so, I don’t think I can go back to just doing ‘casual’ photos, Mommy stuff, etc, in fact, I know I can’t do that with him. I can’t be in the same room as the boy without wanting to try to crawl into his skin. Hell, I don’t know when I can do any AB photo stuff for that matter with anyone, right now, everything reminds me of him. I’m a weepy mess. Wolfe is helping me along by supplying me with a steady but mild dose of anti-anxiety meds that I have a prescription for ‘as needed’ and right now they’re needed. They numb me out enough that I can pseudo-function. Not leaving the house, lots of naps, trying not to over-medicate, and trying to distract myself.

I don’t even know if he realizes just how completely I love him, and how hard a decision this was to make, but I had to follow my ethics. I want nothing more than to have him be a huge part of my life, body, mind, soul, for as long as he’d wish it, but, as long as a big part of him is ‘belonging’ to someone else, and that someone else isn’t the sharing type (poly like Wolfe and I) that simply is not going to work.

A dear friend of mine, stared me straight in the eyes, and said ‘actions, speak louder than words’ He may say that he loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone, he may say he wants to be a part of my life for ever, he may say any number of things, but as long as what he’s -doing- is not that, is living with another woman, with me a dirty little secret, barely able to make the time for an occasional email or phone call to me, never mind rarely time to see me in person. The reality is, the actions, not the words. The message is, maybe it’s a lot of wishfull thinking on my end. I still believe him when he says he loves me, but for whatever reason, it’s not enough for him to follow his heart, or else, I’m just happily/unhappily deluded.

I’m crappy at not getting what I want, especially when I love someone, and I love people so damn much. I smell the clothes I have that he’s worn, the ’secret’ stuff he’s not allowed to keep at home. Is it mine now? am I holding it indefinitely until he returns? The teddy bear I bought for him clutched every night in my arms, often wet with quiet tears. I feel stupid, all the weeks of shopping this last week before I knew I had to break it off, ‘mommy’ style dresses in blue, because he likes blue, little things, money spent on pieces and parcels of shared love and seductions that are going to go no where. How long do I keep them? How long do I hold on to the hope of a ‘one day maybe’, when as long as there is that hope, maybe I can’t totally grieve and get over it.

I’m not willing to stop hoping, that’s the problem with me, I very rarely am. I hold my hurts, and longings, tight to me, restless dreams, unfufilled, aching in my chest.

Probably better off just with the Wolfe, not that he minds sharing, and not that I don’t have enough love for many more, but I’m a complicated girl, depressed, confused, needful, not many people need that kind of package. I just hope the boy finds love and happiness somewhere, if not likely with me (I think even less likely with his current partner) somewhere, with someone, sometime, he deserves it. He’s an amazingly special beautiful person, and I should try to feel blessed for the time I did have, instead of hungering and hurt, for not having more.

Live in Love
Leila