Falling in love
Maybe swimming in love would be a better phrase. When I met the boy, a number of months ago, on a blind ‘date’ for lunch. Not a romantic date even, just a friendly get to know you date. As I sat down at the table across from him, and got my first good look at him, I had the feeling. That visceral feeling, where you feel a warmth, and tightness in your guts. Not quite sexual arousal, not quite a crush, because you haven’t gotten enough information about a person yet in that moment to have categorized those feelings under that label. Just that slightly nervous, yet pleasantly surprised glow that suffuses you. Big open eyes looking back at me that seemed to say volumes of something that was written in a foreign language, I couldn’t read what was written there in the expression of his eyes, but I loved the fullness of it anyways. The opposite of a blank gaze, something that tells me the person whose eyes I’m meeting has some substance. It didn’t hurt that his body had some substance too. Tall, dark hair, dark eyes… oooo cliche, tall, dark and handsome. He’d ridden his motorcycle there, and that unmistakable ’stamp’ of masculinity… well, rather of control that comes from using a vehicle that is ridden rather than driven, and a powerful machine at that, has some silly effect on me as well. Masculinity isn’t the right word, because I get that same thrill from strong women who ride bikes as well. I only got warmer and more intrigued as we fumbled through our first face to face conversation, and was greeted with lots of shy, but warm and inviting smiles. Most people wear masks, often layers of them, and I had a real sense of seeing someone who was giving me, on our first meeting, a lot of themselves, with very little protective layering in between. By the end of lunch, I could safely call it a crush. Over the last few months, since that first lunch, we’ve only gotten together a handfull of times, to engage in some mutually entertaining non-sexual alternative D/s play, mostly for photographs, and I’ve felt that crush deepen.
This weekend, we went away together for a couple of days, and a couple of nights, and my warm loving ‘I love you as a friend’, and ‘I have a crush on you’ feelings, took off like a rocket ship. Wham.
It’s complicated, something about falling in love usually is. He’s in a committed monogamous relationship. I’m in a committed open non-monogamous relationship. The feelings are definitely mutual. He loves his partner, but there are some fundamental differences between their personalities that make his primary relationship challenging, challenging even if I weren’t in the picture at all.
It’s hard not to feel guilty, I don’t want to make an allready difficult situation, more difficult. Did we have sex… no. we did to a lot of making out, and we did do a lot of touching, cuddling, talking, sleeping in the same space, and in terms of ‘intimacy’ we had a lot of it. Meaning that even though we didn’t share an orgasmic experience, we shared something I value even more, unconditional love and acceptance of one another. I know who he is, of course I don’t know everything about him, one can never know everything about another person, but even though I’ve known him a short time, I have the feeling I may be one of the people in the world, who knows him the best. He knows who I am, he knows about my baggage, my depression, and he’s insightful, intuitive, and he says he wants me in his life forever. If that isn’t ‘making love’ I don’t know what is.
His choice, not to be more physical at this time, and I totally respect that. It was wonderful, that he wasn’t at all jealous that I was going to go home with my raging pent up arousal from the weekend and jump Wolfe. It was wonderful that when I was with him, he picked up on my subtle and not so subtle cues about what pushes my buttons… and I love to have my buttons pushed.
Little things will slip into my thoughts over and over again for many days to come I’m sure, like his husky happy aroused voice whispering in my ear ‘I like hurting you’ as the pain radiating from my clenched nipple brings sounds from deep within me and causes my body to writhe a little beyond my control. Also that we shared a lot of ‘first’ experiences together… he’d never been bitten before. I couldn’t bite too hard, because of his girlfriend, I didn’t want to mark him. But not only does the boy like to recieve a little pain, he likes to give it too, and my neck bares some lovely marks I’m very happy with.
My Wolfe wasn’t put out by the marks at all, which made me very happy, I know he was totally fine with it if the boy and I would have had sex, but I didn’t think to ask him about things like that, you see for people with Wolfish natures, leaving your teeth in someones flesh is like marking territory.
When I came home today, it wasn’t Wolfe that wanted to mark me, it was me who asked him, whether he would bite me again, mark over the boys bites, or better yet, maybe the other side, and I could feel collared in loving canine teeth.
I feel much loved, and very loving, and I have to keep my hyper imagination of fantasy in some check, lest I carry myself away in a sea of hopes. Take it slow…. that from both Wolfe, and the boy, they’re a lot alike, stable, and sensible, and dependable… unlike me, the wild child. Maybe I really -do- need two to keep me in check. Wolfe likes him, but doesn’t really know him, and wants to get to know him better.
Me, I’m trying to be practical, sensible, and well behaved, and not think too often, about being surrounded by two beautiful strong muscular bodies, four talented teasing slightly cruel hands, two generous hungry mouths, and never mind all the rest of the equipment they come with, not least of which are minds that aim to please and tease, and hearts that tell me, they love me.
Can a girl be more blessed?
I’m too greedy… I may never go to ‘heaven’, but I tell you, there are lots of days when I feel I’m already there.