Deliverence

Katt Posted in General
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It used to be, that poems would be born to me, oh, every few months. Then occasionally, they leave me all together for a while, a few years, of barren thoughts. I never force them, I never start out to say, today I will write a poem. They always start themselves, and come to me and insist on being written. That’s the way of it, for me, for poetry. Last night, in the late late night early morning, I had been sleepless, and thinking of love, my mate lay deep alseep beside me. Out of my thoughts of love, came yearnings and dreams, and I did not become lustful through the way of my loins and my body, but through my spirit. I did not seek the heat from a building in my groin of physical need, but the yearning for spiritual connection. I had wishes and wants, I had the great kundalini serpent raising itself through my body in the dark early morning of the night, waking me one gem at a time, until it opened a window in my mind, and a little whispery voice, thought sex magick, and I turned, and woke my sleeping lover. Taking our time, letting it build, and letting the goddess in me guide me, and direct me, woo and whisper the way of things, working it, to make sure that this was more than recreation, but creation, that when that particulr act will always bring about conception, not necessarily of the flesh, in fact, less likely of the flesh, but conception of the spirit. I knew what child I wanted to grow within me as we made love, as our breath and bodies matched one anothers pace, and the goddess took me, and the god took him, and together we melted into one place at one time. However, I also knew from deep inside, that sex magick is a wild thing, not easily controlled, and that surely I had concieved but of what. I went to sleep, in that odd space of being a ripe vessel, channeling odd thoughts and odder feelings, but not the odd that I know from moments of mood disordered insanity, but of grounded sureness of the in sanity of the numinous. When I awoke this morning, I had a poem in my mind, beckoning me, and even though I’ve had but few hours sleep, it pulled on me to let it be written, but here I am, delaying it. Perhaps I am worried that if it is this poem that I allow to be born from my moonlight weavings, that it will simply be a small thing, born to soon, not what I wanted to grow, something big, that took it’s time to come out perfect, analogies of ten fingers and toes, and if you think at all that I still might be talking of flesh, better for you not to read another word, until you have awoken from your own entrapment in your own flesh, because I have not spoken of word of that material world, except perhaps it’s microcosmic mimicry of the macrocosmic majesty. So the poem, which is pushing it’s way out of me, which comes from an awoken mind in the morning, which has me writing in ways that some would read and wonder at. But this too is me. The poem, I don’t know the words of it yet, just the feeling of it pushing it’s way to come out, and I will let it, just now, for this is how it is with poems and me, and what you see is just what you get, and nothing more.

Warrior boys
I have always sought them
or them me.
They are not for everyone to see
they hide, in men.
Warrior for some, evokes thoughts
of violence, action, cruelty, and hate
but warriors are nothing of that
it’s balance and peace
they wish to create
in their wake.

They are the quiet ones
they listen, more than talk
They are strong, in body
They are strong, in mind
They are strong, in spirit
And like wolves
they move amoung men
rarely seen
misunderstood
the thought of them feared
but when faced with one
they bring instead calm
though rarely recognition
usually one makes the mistake
of thinking of the domesticity
of the pets that surround us
not realizing that what they have before them
is an entirely different kind of animal

They always know who they are
but few know them for that.
Few but some like I
or other warrior boys.

I know them
for a mother always knows her children
They are little pieces of the gods in men
The goddesses in me are awoken by them

Kali, the old one, the young one.
The mother, and the destroyer,
the goddess who knows both birth and death
creation and chaos
love and violence
She is one of those ancient mothers
of warrior men.

Awakening the mother and lover in me
warriors

They also know themselves
the warrior boys, and when they
see another of their kind
it is often with respect
and usually with admiration
the same respect and admiration
they hold of them selves
because they are solid in their spirits
like stones.
Also like wolves they usually know
the order in which they relate
which one is the more dominant.
They are all alpha males
warrior men
They all seek the alpha bitch
in heat
but they usually know
at a glance at a word
which of the two of them
is the stronger
and if they do not
they do not bother
to fight for the top
unless the need for one leader
truly arises.
They are content
to share the world.

I’m an old mother
in a new world.
A spiritual crone
encased in the flesh of a now
that has lost many
many of it’s connections
with the ways of gods and men
the ways not passed down in rituals
but born from spirit.

In the night
For I am the night
I hold the moon
for which wolves bay
Nu, Nyx, and was aptly named
‘as dark as the night’
in ancient tounge – Leila
In the night
I tried to call down the goddess
rise her up within me
envoke my needful wishes
wake the old gods
in the sleeping warrior
next to me
warrior boys
filling my mind

Looking upon the face of Castor
and seeking also Pollux
looking upon the face of Romulus
and seeking also Remus
loving both warrior boys
twins, in my heart
but laying, only with one.
Playing the swan to his god
Leda to Zeus
trying to duplicate himself
in me, and hopefully
his brother too
me weaving, like a spider
the threads that flow
through time
through reality
through all places
shining in the moonlight.

Sending out the call
sharp and keen
in the quiet of the night.

Child, come home to your mother

I awoke like this full still
of constellations
and so I place them here
for people to make of them
what they will

But I know nothing
for certain
just the madness
and might
that moves through
my morning mind

emptying itself of cobwebs
somehow busy spiders
have been spining
and this
these simple words
are the only evidence
the only part of it
I have to show.

The rest cannot be seen
cannot be spoken
cannot be held
in hand
or mind
only heart and spirit
you either already know
and have found yourself
in the reading of it.
Or you know not.
Were lost long ago
and still waiting to be found.

Go home to your mothers
all of you
not just the warrior boys
go home to your mothers
and find yourself

go home to your mothers
and be lost no more.

I’ve said it thrice
and another time, will do no
more good, and so we reach
the end.

Anti-depressants, side effects, etc.

Katt Posted in General
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After my post about my med change and regaining some of my sex drive, I got a bunch of mail from people curious to know what was working for me, because they’re having unwanted similar side effects, or other problems with their meds, so Im going to cut and paste what I wrote to the first enquirey, and hopefully save on lots of repeat mails! Not that I don’t mind getting mail, especially when it’s from my journal, sometimes I forget people are reading it, and other times, I think, gee, the people reading this, what kind of nut do they think I am… so when I get nice mail, it’s a bonus. Anyways, here’s the cut and paste from the meds thing… (with a few extra additions)

I’m taking Imimprimine, it’s one of the old dinosaur drugs, one of the original tricyclics. It works great for me, because I’m one of the lucky people that doesnt suffer a lot of side effects from it. The older drugs have a few things going for them, they know what long term use may have on a patient who has to take them for life, since they’ve been around that long, newer drugs can only speculate. So you know ‘exactly’ what you’re in for, and if you have to pay for your medication, they are ALOT cheaper than the newer drugs. There’s often a push from doctors, and from drug companies, for people to use the newest and latest anti-depressents, but some of the older ones work just as well, if not better, for some people. What I’ve discovered both as a patient, and as a therapist, is everybody responds differently to each medication (some of the ones I’ve tried made me worse, not better). What works great for one person is a total nightmare for another. I think if you feel you’re not getting as good results as you would like from your current meds, that you talk with your Doc/psych about trying something else – and if you go the library or a bookstore, and look at the books they have for consumer guides to prescription meds, you may come up with a few different options you might want to try, and to suggest to them. After all, it’s your brain/body – welbutrin (spelling?!) is supposed to be great for a) not gaining weight and b) not affecting sex drive, but I tried it, and it made me so agitated and angry (not a usual symptom of my depression) that I felt violent, out of control, and practically homicidal, I had to stop taking it within days of trying it. Everyone reacts differently. So check out the drugs on your own, what side effects they have/don’t have, and see if you can find one that’s a better fit for you. Sometimes the trial and error process can be painful, ups and downs of adjusting to new brain chemistry is not fun, but it can pay off in the long run. I think expirementing with your meds, or different med options can be a tricky thing, and you need to weigh the options, and make sure you have supports in place to help you cope, in case trying something new ends up being disasterous. Like a family member, friend, loved one, therapist, etc, who is keeping an eye on how you’re responding, because sometimes when you’re going ‘off’ because your brain chemistry isn’t liking what it’s doing, you can be oblivious that it’s not working, or in denial, or apathetic about the fact that it’s having a negative effect if part of the negative effect is feeling numb and apathetic! Or you may ‘feel’ great, but an outsider may be able to tell that really you seem ‘over-medicated’ yeah you feel great because you’re in happy land, but you’ve lost have your rational with it. Having shitty brain chemsitry is a big big pain, trying to balance it out to be more ‘normal’ and functional for you, is complicated, and peronsal. Depending on the ‘worst case scenario’ from a change in meds, you have to weigh whether it’s worth the risk for the possible gains of a new med that may work better.

On an entirely different note, I had my hair done today, I have corn rows up to the crown of my head and then a couple of rows of free single braids, and then corn rows on the back, still shaved on the sides. Last time I had the whole mohawk done with lots of free single braids, but since I was always pulling it back into one ponytail, or two ponytails, I figure I’d have all the parts of my head that would have hair pulled tight over it when my hair was in pony tails, corn-rowed to my head. I’m liking it, it feels great, better than the single braids all over, because having ‘hair’ in or around my face would drive me nuts, so I was always pulling it back, now it’s back all the time, but still has long braidy bits back there that I can play with – woo hoo! It was also a third of the price of having the whole thing done in single free braids, because the corn rows are fewer, faster, and use less added hair. I think I’m becoming a braid addict.

I’m giving serious thought to taking the mohawk to a ‘q’… just one patch of hair, round or square, right on the top of my crown, the area that I end up having in a ponytail or two pony tails, and just growing that chunk and shaving the rest… hmmmmmm…. I have a few months of these braids growing out to think about whether I really want to do it or not.

XO
Leila.

Hard to write, and not write about the boy.

Katt Posted in General
1

I still can’t believe how fast and furious I fell in love with him, and how much I miss him. A day, hour, doesn’t pass, where I don’t wonder if I should contact him, try and undo the ‘goodbyes’, but at the same time, I think, you know, when you love someone that much…. you want their happiness and your own. As long as he’s committed to trying to make the relationship with the woman he lives with and loves work, I have no real place in his life. He was so worried about having hurt me, but my hurt came from not wanting him to hurt. I also don’t want to be a hidden part time secret. I guess maybe it’s selfish to be an all or nothing girl. I try not feel rejected that he hasn’t somehow just decided to break it off with her and is knocking on my door saying, I’m single, I’m here, I love you, and I want to be a part of your life… you know, those silly happily ever after dream scenarios that sometimes wend ones way through your imagination. It’s hard not to hope for that, it’s hard not write him and remind him, that I’m here… I hate that ‘waiting for the phone to ring’ syndrome, makes me feel pathetic. The phone rings – I wonder, could it be him, did he decide to break it off with her (he did tell me it hasn’t been working, he thought he might have fallen out of love with her, and la la la la la…) I check my email, and I wonder… could it be him, blah blah blah… more of the same. Yesterday sucked. The last time I had talked to him before I said ‘no more’ not while you’re unavailable, he had mentioned that he had time teusday and we could spend the day together. It was a shitty day thinking he could be here, we could be together, and instead… I’m working, trying to distract myself, and wondering whats going on on his end. Did his girlfriend make a big breakthrough and things are getting better for them, part of me hopes for that, because I want him to be happy, and I know how much he has said he loves her in the past, then another part of me wants it to fail, wants him free, wants to claim him. Wondering if he’s thinking of me, if he thinks of me as often as I obsess on him.

Played today with jOni, and a new sissy baby Stephi, and it was hard, they were darlings, but I missed my boy something fierce. Going through all the baby stuff, seeing all his baby stuff, things he’d bought, things I’d bought. Stephi has brought some stuff over that she didn’t use any more, having gone sissy, but at one time being into ‘boy’ stuff, looking through her donations, and thinking which items the boy would love, folding them aside, and wondering if I’ll ever get to share that with him again. I feel like I’ve lost a lover, and a child. I’m grieving, I hate it. I thought I was madly in love with him when I was with him, I’m feeling it as much, if not more, apart from him. And his things, I don’t want to see other babies in his things, his clothes, even if he would be willing to share them, if he were with me, that would be no big deal, but seeing another adult baby boy ‘dressed’ as him, that would eat me up. I’ve packed it all up together in one corner of my chest of baby stuff, and covered it in a piece of blue silk, so I don’t see it all the time when I’m and out of there, little good it does me, screaming at me from that bright blue corner in a field of pink sissy femmy baby things.

Working my ass off on the websites has helped distract me a bit. I didn’t want to come in here and keep writing about him, but fuck it, it’s my journal, I use it, I write in it, when I have stuff I need to express, and need to work out with myself, and don’t have another place I feel I can do it. I do it here, I do it for me, I do it because saying it, helps me figure it out…

Back to work.
XO
Leila

Early morning astrological medicine…

Katt Posted in General
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Daily Horoscope – March 21, 2004
First Name: Leila Sun Sign: Gemini Gender: F Leila
Sun Sign: Gemini Rising Sign: Cancer

Your easygoing attitude may be tested today, Leila, as your mind is suddenly being challenged by a subtle, yet strong force that is trying to put a monkey wrench into the works. The difficulty you encounter will probably have to do with trying to decide what pieces of the puzzle are real, and what pieces are not. Try not to take anyone or anything too seriously at this time.

Your Rising Sign
——————————————————————————–
There may be a close friend of yours that remains on a platonic level even though you might like to push the relationship further. It could be that you are letting your imagination sweep you away into a scenario that has no basis in reality. Danger! Beware! This is how hurtful feelings get generated and hearts get broken even when no contact between the other person is actually even made. Today’s square between Neptune and Venus is bringing this delusion to the front of your awareness.

——————————————————————————–

Okay, that second part was ‘spooky’ given how much I’ve been writing here about the ‘boy’ think the cosmos is trying to tell me something, or that astrology is a bunch of hooey. Hey, I’m a Gemini, I happily believe that the cosmos is trying to tell me something while simultaneously believing it’s a bunch of hooey, yes, both opposites are true, and false. Sometimes I confuse myself.

Damn those delusions anyways… what’s real again?

mumble mumble mumble

Woo hoo

Katt Posted in General
2

My new meds are rocking… Sex drive is back back back, and my constant craving for food is gone gone gone. It was the first day in years that I’ve had were I ‘forgot’ to eat, until my stomach starting to painfully remind me. The meds I’ve been on for the last few years had me in a constant state of ‘hunger’, and never feeling satisfied, over eating, craving sugar, etc. I hope it stays this way consistently. I’ve had an amazing day of small healthy balanced meals, followed by a night of intense kinky sex. Does life get better, (I know it can, I’m still missing the ‘boy’ terribly – I sleep with his teddy bear every night and pretend I’m holding him). But, I’m not feeling like too much of a position to complain when my ‘condition’ has improved. Though I haven’t left the house in about a week or so… still have problems with that, it’s not so much agoraphobia as apathy. The next time I’m doing Mommy stuff is going to be on wednesday, with my baby girl jOni, and a sissy baby I haven’t played with before. I know it’s going to be hard, I’m going to be thinking of my boy constantly, and missing him hard. I’ll be able to keep it together for a few hours for the other babes, but then I’m going to let myself have a little emotional melt-down. If I was still seeing him, he would have had time to see me on teusday, so it’s just going to be a little ‘what if’-ing in my head. Thank goodness for Wolfe, my loving Daddy. Who has agreed to my new body toning and cellulite reduction plan, which consists of regular firm beatings of any flabby bumby areas of my body, in other words, excuses for good spankings. Just to make it even more ‘spa’ like besides getting a sound caning, paddling and spanking, we through in the use of one of those nubbly bumby props stores sell that is supposed to actually break down cellulite, it’s like a hair brush but instead of having thin spikes to seperate hair, it has larger nubbly bumpy plastic bits. having my sore paddled tushy oiled and then vigorously manipulated with said ‘cellulite breaking down tool’ was much fun, though I think the cane and the paddle and the t-ball bat was more effective in actual tissue breakdown. And yes, this is a good thing, trust me, faster results than what they do for you at a spa, and a lot more fun. The lovely thing about bodies, whether it’s muscle, skin, etc, is that when it gets ‘damaged’ it builds back firmer, stronger, etc. That’s why a lot of ‘bottoms’ have lovely ‘bottoms’. In martial arts they call it ‘body conditioning’ basically beating onself, or pounding objects, or pounding your body parts, knuckles, shins, abs, what have you, against hard objects, because it’s been known for centuries, and science has lately even proven it, that what happens is with the minute recurrent repetitive ‘damage’ done, martial artists through these ‘body conditioning’ techniques end up with harder denser muscles, skin, tissues, and even bones that are denser and tougher. So yes boys and girls, SM is not only fun, but in my opinion, very healthy, especially when in engaged in regularly. If you’re topping you’re getting a work out, and if your bottoming, you’re getting body conditioning… not to mention a little happy bio-chemical rush. I’m still flying while I’m writing this.

It was supposed to be a mostly butt and thighs work over, but somehow I ended up worked over all kinds of other places, and there was excessive use of black duct tape. Which was fun going on, fun having on, and even more fun being ripped off… I’m sure that skin will grow back firmer … duct tape, theres a beauty product that replaces waxing for hair removal, and exfoliation for dead skin removal all in one cheap alternative. Besides, women look better in duct tape than they do in a facial mask any day

Okay, enough out of me, it’s late, and I’m going to work a bit on my websites before I crash, while I’m still riding my buzz… have you checked out http://www.erotimania.com lately? We’re transforming it to a resource based site for alternative sexuality. I’m looking for submissions too btw, so if you have something to contribute to the greater good of promoting sex education, and kink, and what have you, send it my way!!!

XOX
Leila

Good Katt, Bad Katt, Fuck That!

Katt Posted in General
1

Good Katt, Bad Katt, Fuck That! Well, I’ve successfully switched from one set of anti-depressent meds to a different set, that is a) working for me just as well, and b) HAS GIVEN ME MY FUCKING SEX DRIVE BACK.

Yay! Shit!

Okay… here I am, horny little (not so little) girl.

Of course still obsessing on the boy, now the lost boy. So I have the little angel sitting on one shoulder telling me that “you did the right and ethical thing darling”, and I have the little devil sitting on the other shoulder going… “come on baby, you’re a she-Katt in heat, and you want that meat.” Little angel crinkles her nose in disgust and reminds me that that would be likely hurtful and unfair to many people, with a lot of potential damage and drama. The little devil is going… “yah baby, but don’t you LOVE a little drama?” “besides don’t you know that if you invited that little boy over and REALLY rocked his world, pulled out all your tricks in the book, that you could have him so wrapped and so girlfriend free in moments, and have -everything- you want”. The little angel just sighs, looks into my eyes, and goes ‘girl, you know that’s not you, just because you -could- do it, doesn’t mean you -should- do it”.

No, I don’t have a split personality, I’m just a gemini with a vivid imagination, my mental illness is strictly mood disorder thank you, a serious case of the blues… no psychoses here, nope, no one here but us chickens

Fortunately, or, unfortunately. That little angel always seems to win out, though I do fantasize about calling that boy over, and claiming my territory. MINE (not).

It’s that little ethic I’ve had since I fell in love with my first best friend when I was 12, If there is any conflict, potential fall out, you have to let it be their decision, you can’t seduce, play games, use intoxicants, etc. If you really love them, you want them, need them, to come to you, and give of themselves, freely, and totally.

Oh the sweet ‘straight’ girls I’ve known and had crushes on who’ve gotten ‘deliberately’ intoxicated, so they could have an ‘excuse’ to expirement, and then throw their luscious little bodies all over me. It was always a -no- not like this, if you still want me when your sober, and you can tell me you want me, and you can come to me without shame… then yes, but I won’t take your power away from you, even if you want me to. Not until you can come to me seriously, sober, decided, and say… take it, take me, take my power from me. Then that’s a different ball game, I’m happy to Dom/Top someone who makes the initial gift of it, but take it, under trickery, pretenses, or uncertaintity, never.

Why am I writing all this, oh probably in part to give myself a little reminder on where I stand, because that boy is so damn tempting. I want him. I just don’t want to own him, keep him, top him, fuck him, love him, I just want him in my life in all those capacities for as long as he can tolerate my eccentricities . But… I’ll wait. so far, the record on saying ‘no, not under these circumstances’ and waiting for the person to return under the ‘right circumstances’ has been nil. Unfortunately, people usually don’t make those big changes, those big leaps, and it’s probably all right that it’s worked out that way… because to make it in a relationship with me, people have to be capable of pretty big leaps.

I’m a way out, completely un-closeted, pervert, with a reputation that is happily spreading vastly, associating with me comes with some baggage.

So… any takers (ha ha)

XO
Leila

Update – when not to fall in love.

Katt Posted in General
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Well, an update… when not to fall in love – a) when the person you’ve fallen for is in a long term comitted relationship with someone else who is not polyamorous, not open to sharing, and does not know you, the ‘other woman’ exists.

Shit.

Why do I do these things to myself. I am completely totally smitten with the boy, which is why I had to tell him, I had to break it off. I can’t do the accomplice to cheating thing. I can’t put someone I love in the position of hurting someone else they love. I’ve been that person in the middle before, and it just about killed me, I can’t ever put someone else there. I just can’t.

So I had to say goodbye, at least, for now. If he becomes single, I hope he seeks me out again. Perhaps not, maybe I’ve blown it, or maybe he’ll be with his current ’till death do they part’, not that that happens often now a days, but the odds of him still having feelings for me when that time comes, if it does, who knows.

The boy I fell for was one of my adult babies, so, I don’t think I can go back to just doing ‘casual’ photos, Mommy stuff, etc, in fact, I know I can’t do that with him. I can’t be in the same room as the boy without wanting to try to crawl into his skin. Hell, I don’t know when I can do any AB photo stuff for that matter with anyone, right now, everything reminds me of him. I’m a weepy mess. Wolfe is helping me along by supplying me with a steady but mild dose of anti-anxiety meds that I have a prescription for ‘as needed’ and right now they’re needed. They numb me out enough that I can pseudo-function. Not leaving the house, lots of naps, trying not to over-medicate, and trying to distract myself.

I don’t even know if he realizes just how completely I love him, and how hard a decision this was to make, but I had to follow my ethics. I want nothing more than to have him be a huge part of my life, body, mind, soul, for as long as he’d wish it, but, as long as a big part of him is ‘belonging’ to someone else, and that someone else isn’t the sharing type (poly like Wolfe and I) that simply is not going to work.

A dear friend of mine, stared me straight in the eyes, and said ‘actions, speak louder than words’ He may say that he loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone, he may say he wants to be a part of my life for ever, he may say any number of things, but as long as what he’s -doing- is not that, is living with another woman, with me a dirty little secret, barely able to make the time for an occasional email or phone call to me, never mind rarely time to see me in person. The reality is, the actions, not the words. The message is, maybe it’s a lot of wishfull thinking on my end. I still believe him when he says he loves me, but for whatever reason, it’s not enough for him to follow his heart, or else, I’m just happily/unhappily deluded.

I’m crappy at not getting what I want, especially when I love someone, and I love people so damn much. I smell the clothes I have that he’s worn, the ‘secret’ stuff he’s not allowed to keep at home. Is it mine now? am I holding it indefinitely until he returns? The teddy bear I bought for him clutched every night in my arms, often wet with quiet tears. I feel stupid, all the weeks of shopping this last week before I knew I had to break it off, ‘mommy’ style dresses in blue, because he likes blue, little things, money spent on pieces and parcels of shared love and seductions that are going to go no where. How long do I keep them? How long do I hold on to the hope of a ‘one day maybe’, when as long as there is that hope, maybe I can’t totally grieve and get over it.

I’m not willing to stop hoping, that’s the problem with me, I very rarely am. I hold my hurts, and longings, tight to me, restless dreams, unfufilled, aching in my chest.

Probably better off just with the Wolfe, not that he minds sharing, and not that I don’t have enough love for many more, but I’m a complicated girl, depressed, confused, needful, not many people need that kind of package. I just hope the boy finds love and happiness somewhere, if not likely with me (I think even less likely with his current partner) somewhere, with someone, sometime, he deserves it. He’s an amazingly special beautiful person, and I should try to feel blessed for the time I did have, instead of hungering and hurt, for not having more.

Live in Love
Leila

La la la

Katt Posted in General
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Mmmmm… I get the boy Monday and Teusday for a wee bit. Nice, because I’ve been missing him. Challenging, because I’ve decided to stick to my ethics about not having sex with people who are involved with partners who don’t know about it. It’s weird, because a lot of what we’ve done together is as intimate as ‘intercourse’ if not more so. But it’s just one of those things…

Damn.

Well, going to a piercing workshop demo today, and psyched about that. The stunt bottom who is acting as pin cushion is a hottie. I’ve seen him stunt bottom before, for a branding workshop. That little boy is pure masochist. He literally came in his tight black shiny faux pants during the branding. Pumped out the sexual energy, I think he had everyone in the room wet, stiff, or both. Worth going for that alone.

Then tonight there’s a play party. I don’t have any plans to Top, just to bottom to Wolfe, which is fine. I could use a good endorphin rush.

Keeping this one brief, things to do, plan, and primping for the afternoon ahead.

XO

Rough sex and Romance

Katt Posted in General
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Mmmmmm, Momma has some serious motivation to kick her own ass back into shape. Even though the little cub I’ve become smitten with seems to adore my curves as they are. It’s just, well, he’s big, he’s buff, and he has some ground fighting training… and I just keep thinking it would be really yummy to wrestle and have some intense rough sex with the boy. Right now the odds would be way to stacked in his favor, I’d like there to be a bit more of an even playing field for some rough and tumble. Even at my best, he’d still be able to take me, but since he identifies as subby to me, it gives me that edge. Though it could be fun to lose on occasion too.

All of this is fantasy rambling, it was one intense loving connection in a hideaway from the real world. I’ve known people to get back to the ‘real world’… which is usually the world they have to be fake in, and have a change of heart. Having a relationship with me usually involves a fair element of risk. After all, I’m not in the closet, I’m a wide out on the web and in the community full blown pervert. People who fall for me in a serious way inevitably start asking themselves those hard questions… how to integrate their relationship with me with the rest of their lives. Can they take me home to their parents? If they do, do they take my big bisexual buck husband along with me? Or just omit the fact that I happen to a) be married and b) am primarily a dominatrix and pornographer by trade. Sometimes easy to do in a casual relationship, but if they want serious, and long term, and live in… well. I want to live a bdsm kink lifestyle, I want live in slaves, I want stables, and nurseries, and medical fetish rooms… If someone chooses to live with me, do they come out to family, or do they cut ties with family, or do they invite family (legal adults only) to come dine at my table (which may have living table legs at the time)…. oh dear.

So the boy says he loves me, but how much he can give, and whether he bolts, will remain to be seen. Me, on my end… I think he’s a total keeper. I adore him. He’s 100 real. It’s just one of those things, where you know, it could work. It doesn’t hurt that Wolfe thinks he’s yummy too. Though the boy is only bi-curious… not that I think thats a major concern, a) Wolfe has a really good ‘recruitment’ record, and b) both Wolfe and the boy are hang up free, I don’t think either would have a problem sharing me (preferably some of the time, at the same time). Wolfe likes him enough that he even suggested topping him and I at a party sometime. I know Wolfe likes someone when he’s willing to beat their ass.

So my fantasies have gone full blown willy nilly all over the freaking place. Thats what happens when you spend a lot of time with your tongue in a particularly willing warm and skilled mouth.

Want a little taste of my fantasy world?

boy is into age play, so I’m already his Mommy… there are a zillion fun scenarious there.
Wolfe get’s Daddy like at times, we could tag team age play the boy. I go little at times, maybe I could end up with a couple of Daddies at once every once in a while.

Discovered the boy not only likes to recieve a little pain, he likes to dish it out too. Maybe he’s a little switchier than subby. The boy has worked, and intends to work in fields which involves uniforms. I love a man in uniform, especially when he’s ‘taking me down’ roughly. Did I mention he has some martial arts background? Did I mention how much I love being pinned? and er… well, choked. Two boys that know how to safely cut off a little circulation to the brain can’t be a bad thing… can it?

Then there’s the whole fantasy of watching the two men I now find sexiest in the world wrestling…

okay… there are plenty more of those thoughts where those ones came from. I’m trying not to think them too much, which is one of the reasons I’m writing them down, trying to ‘let go’ a little, as I have a tendency to become obsessed, and go flying head over heels, which I have.

So, doing my best to keep my head on straight, remind myself, the boy has a girlfriend, has a busy life, has lots of plans for that life that have never included me, and I can’t start writing him in full time, even in fantasy land, if I’m going to stay sane (relatively speaking, since I’m already far from it).

Thats enough mush from me (by the way, if I get into any of those fantasies… I’ll do my best to get pictures )

Falling in love

Katt Posted in General
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Maybe swimming in love would be a better phrase. When I met the boy, a number of months ago, on a blind ‘date’ for lunch. Not a romantic date even, just a friendly get to know you date. As I sat down at the table across from him, and got my first good look at him, I had the feeling. That visceral feeling, where you feel a warmth, and tightness in your guts. Not quite sexual arousal, not quite a crush, because you haven’t gotten enough information about a person yet in that moment to have categorized those feelings under that label. Just that slightly nervous, yet pleasantly surprised glow that suffuses you. Big open eyes looking back at me that seemed to say volumes of something that was written in a foreign language, I couldn’t read what was written there in the expression of his eyes, but I loved the fullness of it anyways. The opposite of a blank gaze, something that tells me the person whose eyes I’m meeting has some substance. It didn’t hurt that his body had some substance too. Tall, dark hair, dark eyes… oooo cliche, tall, dark and handsome. He’d ridden his motorcycle there, and that unmistakable ‘stamp’ of masculinity… well, rather of control that comes from using a vehicle that is ridden rather than driven, and a powerful machine at that, has some silly effect on me as well. Masculinity isn’t the right word, because I get that same thrill from strong women who ride bikes as well. I only got warmer and more intrigued as we fumbled through our first face to face conversation, and was greeted with lots of shy, but warm and inviting smiles. Most people wear masks, often layers of them, and I had a real sense of seeing someone who was giving me, on our first meeting, a lot of themselves, with very little protective layering in between. By the end of lunch, I could safely call it a crush. Over the last few months, since that first lunch, we’ve only gotten together a handfull of times, to engage in some mutually entertaining non-sexual alternative D/s play, mostly for photographs, and I’ve felt that crush deepen.

This weekend, we went away together for a couple of days, and a couple of nights, and my warm loving ‘I love you as a friend’, and ‘I have a crush on you’ feelings, took off like a rocket ship. Wham.

It’s complicated, something about falling in love usually is. He’s in a committed monogamous relationship. I’m in a committed open non-monogamous relationship. The feelings are definitely mutual. He loves his partner, but there are some fundamental differences between their personalities that make his primary relationship challenging, challenging even if I weren’t in the picture at all.

It’s hard not to feel guilty, I don’t want to make an allready difficult situation, more difficult. Did we have sex… no. we did to a lot of making out, and we did do a lot of touching, cuddling, talking, sleeping in the same space, and in terms of ‘intimacy’ we had a lot of it. Meaning that even though we didn’t share an orgasmic experience, we shared something I value even more, unconditional love and acceptance of one another. I know who he is, of course I don’t know everything about him, one can never know everything about another person, but even though I’ve known him a short time, I have the feeling I may be one of the people in the world, who knows him the best. He knows who I am, he knows about my baggage, my depression, and he’s insightful, intuitive, and he says he wants me in his life forever. If that isn’t ‘making love’ I don’t know what is.

His choice, not to be more physical at this time, and I totally respect that. It was wonderful, that he wasn’t at all jealous that I was going to go home with my raging pent up arousal from the weekend and jump Wolfe. It was wonderful that when I was with him, he picked up on my subtle and not so subtle cues about what pushes my buttons… and I love to have my buttons pushed.

Little things will slip into my thoughts over and over again for many days to come I’m sure, like his husky happy aroused voice whispering in my ear ‘I like hurting you’ as the pain radiating from my clenched nipple brings sounds from deep within me and causes my body to writhe a little beyond my control. Also that we shared a lot of ‘first’ experiences together… he’d never been bitten before. I couldn’t bite too hard, because of his girlfriend, I didn’t want to mark him. But not only does the boy like to recieve a little pain, he likes to give it too, and my neck bares some lovely marks I’m very happy with.

My Wolfe wasn’t put out by the marks at all, which made me very happy, I know he was totally fine with it if the boy and I would have had sex, but I didn’t think to ask him about things like that, you see for people with Wolfish natures, leaving your teeth in someones flesh is like marking territory.

When I came home today, it wasn’t Wolfe that wanted to mark me, it was me who asked him, whether he would bite me again, mark over the boys bites, or better yet, maybe the other side, and I could feel collared in loving canine teeth.

I feel much loved, and very loving, and I have to keep my hyper imagination of fantasy in some check, lest I carry myself away in a sea of hopes. Take it slow…. that from both Wolfe, and the boy, they’re a lot alike, stable, and sensible, and dependable… unlike me, the wild child. Maybe I really -do- need two to keep me in check. Wolfe likes him, but doesn’t really know him, and wants to get to know him better.

Me, I’m trying to be practical, sensible, and well behaved, and not think too often, about being surrounded by two beautiful strong muscular bodies, four talented teasing slightly cruel hands, two generous hungry mouths, and never mind all the rest of the equipment they come with, not least of which are minds that aim to please and tease, and hearts that tell me, they love me.

Can a girl be more blessed?
I’m too greedy… I may never go to ‘heaven’, but I tell you, there are lots of days when I feel I’m already there.