I’ve started running our cam more often than not, for a while there we hardly ever had it on. Wolfe, my partner, has a little ‘cam window’ on his journal, I’ll have to ask him to set one up for me on my journal, not that I’m always liking what I see in there. This ‘morning’ as I write (slightly after noon, but that’s when we get up) It’s not the prettiest site.

I don’t know why I’ve been writing so infrequently here, I’ve somehow lost my love affair with my journal for a while, and now I kind of grudgingly come into it’s arms every once in a while, like a marriage where you have a commitment to intimacy, but for a while, you’re just not feeling it.

Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of intimacy alltogether right now, keeping too tight a lid on all my feelings, with my depression and anxiety, I’ve been in this place of ‘bottling’ everything quite tight, and anything that starts to move me in a direction where ‘feelings’ spooky spooky, might start spilling out, is scary.

And, I’m not a good faker. I could easily come here and just write, yesterday I did blah blah, today, I’m doing blah blah, I’m reading this book, the weather is wet. But I’d just feel like a big fat liar. That I was just ‘padding’ the journal so there was -something- there. The problem would be the something wouldn’t be the reflection of me, of what was REALLY happening with me. Which isn’t about where I’ve been, or what I’ve done, what I’m reading, or the weather.

I think until I get a little less scared of looking at that, these pages are going to be kept at the same infrequent pace, if I haven’t something that -moves- me, that makes me feel it’s of a real value to share. Then I’ll write, but I won’t use ‘filler’.

It’s going to have to be quality over quantity, and since it’s about my journalling experience, that ultimately is going to be a very personal qualifier of what goes in, and what doesn’t.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 13th, 2004 at 1:44 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.