Katt Posted in General

Well I’ve been on a big long hiatus from writing in here, and from doing much of anything. Depression dog had a good hold of my butt for a couple of weeks. Keeping me doing not much of anything at all, except computer games and television. I’m starting to pull back up to the surface of back to where I was before this latest little down dip though. I’ve been invited to go spend the weekend out on Gabriola Island, one of the local gulf islands, by my adult baby girl, and that should be a nice little get away to recuperate. I also shaved part of my head, so I’m sporting a mohawk again, a few days ago, and that actually cheered me up a great deal. It’s interesting because the part of my head that has hair on it, has long enough hair, that if I part it and wear it down, you can’t tell at all that I have a mohawk. My hair is so thick, that the strip down the middle is enough to cover the sides if it’s laying over them, fun. My girl called it a ‘convertable’. It gives me options, and for someone that likes to change their looks a lot, that makes me happy. It’s currently a black mohawk, and I think it’s going to stay that way. I invested in a straightening iron, and some product to boot, so I can play with it some. I don’t think it’s that I’m vain, in fact, I’m not very pleased with my physical appearance and my physical health right now. I -really- need to shed some of the pounds I’m carrying. I think bbw are beautiful too, and I think I can be big and beautiful, but at 265 lbs, where I am now, I’m not at my best. I’m happiest between 185 – 210 lbs. When I’m in that weight range, I like the curves I have best. At the weight I am now, I have lots of little things, and big things, no pun intended that irk me, both visually, and health wise. My blood pressure and cholesterol being up for one. That said, focusing on little things for my physical appearance, and my physical health, regardless of my current weight, still make all the difference in making me feel better. This has resulted in me buying nail files made of crystal, and nail buffers, and nail strengtheners. Loads of vitamins and supplements. lots of skin creams and hair products. Lots of nice fall clothes via second hand shopping. Makeup. And my preening time has reached an all time high. I think some people when they’re not happy with their physical state do what many people call ‘let themselves go’, and just give up the ghost. I feel the opposite, that I like to do everything I can to feel and look the best I can given my dissatisfaction with where I’m at weight wise. Why not just lose the weight? Uh… that would involve moving. Seriously, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Before I can do anything, I have to go get a medical stress test done for my heart, which I have a referral for. Given my blood pressure, cholesterol, and some symptoms I’m having, my Dr. thought it would be prudent to check out to make sure I don’t have any problems with my heart. Once I know that I’m not going to drop dead, even if I feel like I am dying whenever I climb a flight of stairs, then maybe, hopefully, I’ll be able to force myself to do it. The other day I got winded having an animated conversation with someone, I was standing still at the time. Combination of severe inactivity for a long period of time and side effects of my meds. Not fun. Lethargy has become my middle name. It’s hard to believe a couple of years ago I was training actively as a blue belt in kickboxing and teaching the occasional lower belt class. In 3 years I went from the best physical condition of my life, the happiest I’ve been in my life, to the most depressed I’ve been in my life, almost dead, and then the worst physical condition of my life. Now I’ve been slowly climbing out of the mental/emotional depression pit, and I need to start climbing back up the physical health rise as well – the two go hand in hand. My body needs those natural endorphins.

Enough from me… baby steps.