It’s weird sometimes how things that should be effortless, sometimes even enjoyable, can become challenging. Journalling gets like that for me sometimes. I did a few days ago, overcome my apathy, my anxiety, and sit and write out a long and full entry, full of sex, intimate moments, and kink… and then hit the escape key by mistake, which I then discovered when using this journalling software results in erasing your text. Gone, not retrievable. Well, the enusing feeling of never being able to recpature the depth, in re-writing everything, or attempting to, left me turning my back on the journal again. Somehow thinking that I can’t just come and write without somehow going back in time and chronicalling all the important things that have happened between now, and the last time I wrote. That, my friends, is the trap. It’s the same trap you fall into when you don’t keep in touch with friends or loved ones, the longer it goes, the more awkward it feels, the greater the tension, because you feel somehow you have to remedy all the lost time, and you know… that you can’t make up for it. So you put it off yet again, just making the burden of catch up time greater and greater. Logical, not really. What you are able to do, when you are able to do it, is probably better than not doing, and waiting for… a time travel machine? Maybe we should be thankful that we can’t go back in time to try and ‘fix’ or ‘fill in’ what we may have neglected in days gone by - perfectionists, which I sometimes am, would probably perpetually start over, everything, infinitely. Maybe there is some sense in us being creatures of a linear temporal dimension, we have a hard enough time with the responsibility of that. I’ve found myself with some computer games, quitting after I’ve barely just gotten started, and starting over, and over, until I’m playing a ‘good enough’ game. I don’t do that with individual journal entries though, or even with individual sentences, I don’t quit, erase, and re-write. I don’t like to do that at all, and if I somehow feel I have to… well that’s where it becomes a chore.

I’m probably not making the most sense right now, and I probably have loads of better things I could be saying… and… I haven’t really written any ‘catch-up’ information, but FUCK IT, a journal should really be about writing what you want, when you want, how you want. When I start remembering that again, like I did tonight, is when I’m actually inspired to sit down and write something.

XOX
Leila

This entry was posted on Friday, October 17th, 2003 at 12:21 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.